Trouble At Home: Part I

I spent the evening watching the kids while Husband worked upstairs. He is trying to finish putting together a presentation that he will be giving on Wednesday. I watched Sponge Bob with the kids mostly, and then when Husband was done for the night, he played his video games while I sat on the internet and partially watched the kids.When kids were in bed, we had a"discussion".

This “discussion” that Husband and I had has to deal with my contact with an old boyfriend. He was more than just a boyfriend, he was my high school sweetheart, we lived together for a while and were even engaged. There was some things I did not make clear when we started talking, and it has snowballed into a huge stress. Husband keeps asking “is this relationship worth this”, meaning the contact with old boyfriend, Chris. It is making Husband jealous and insecure, and me anxious and scared and guilty. It isn't worth it, but if I were clear in the very beginning, things might have been ok. He has come right out and asked me if I were cheating on him, which I did not. There is no risk of this, not just because he lives 4 hours away, but because I wouldn't do that to Husband.

Another old boyfriend contacted me about two weeks before this one, it was a silly little puppy love thing when I was 15. We weren't together long, and now, it really doesn't matter at all to me. We emailed a few times, and it stopped at that. While we were talking, Chris took this other boyfriend's place as an email buddy. The two questions that Husband asked when he saw I was talking to Old Boyfriend #1 were “Was it serious?” and “Did you sleep with him”. Both questions were a “no” and Husband treated the emails as nothing to worry about. Chris on the other hand did mean something to me, a lot, and we had slept together.

During the first arguments, it was brought out in the open that I had not been emailing who he thought I had been. Behind my back, and during a break in a “discussion” we were having, he stepped out of the room briefly and he logged into my email to read the messages between us. I felt so violated, and he felt jealous and angry about the number of emails there were. There were a lot, during the first couple days we talked, there were about 80. Most were one line, almost like a chat session, but there were some very deep conversations as well. This is where Husband found out about the nature of our relationship, from email and not me, making me seem like a liar. I haven't lied, I may have left out some things, but never answered a questions untruthfully. Perhaps deceptive is a better word, and I don't know why I never told him in the first place. Probably because I really wanted to talk to him to catch up on high school friends, and him, but knew that if Husband found out that he was a “yes” to his two questions, he might not allow it.

There is more to talk about, but will continue in another post so that this one isn't so long.