Total Meltdown

It is now Saturday afternoon, and yeah, I know I missed Thursday, and, as usual, now that is it two days later, I can’t remember much of what went on. Thursday, Husband stayed home to telecommute, and Friday I had a complete melt-down/ anxiety attack/ worst incidence in months.

I have been having issues with anxiety every day for at least the last week or two, and at least now, comparing myself to Friday, I’m not doing too badly. Thursday I didn’t do that well either, and Husband ended up not being able to work much after lunch.

My “melt-down” was a pretty severe incidence. I was on the phone with Husband, sobbing and yelling and feeling out of control, while he was trying to reason with me. All I could do was get mad at him for not talking to me in the right way, never mind that even I didn’t know what the right way would have been. By the end of the phone call, Jason was arguing and trying to tell me that he was coming home, I was yelling that I did not want him to come home, and I could deal myself. Eventually I got to a point where I told him I wanted him to come home, but it was only giving into a sort of threat. We argued that I was unable to care for Monster, and I couldn’t just pull it together and do my mommy duties. If I did anything undesirable, Husband said he would not be able to trust me with him again, and he would go to full-time daycare.

This situation got even worse than probably as bad as I have gotten in two years when I was admitted to the hospital October 2006. The anger I was feeling moved into physical actions, I kicked the table, almost threw a picture frame onto the floor, and ended up sitting against a wall, banging the back of my head on it. I actually hurt myself, and head is still tender.

I had my therapist appointment that afternoon, and of course, wanted to cancel, I just wanted to be alone. Instead, I brought Husband and Monster along for support. It was a pretty productive session, and felt at least a little bit of hope, and an idea for a new tool to use while in these anxiety states.

The house is a complete disaster, you can’t find an open spot on the counter in the kitchen, toys are spread out all over the downstairs, the dining room table is covered with both laptops, mail, and has become a drop-off spot for anything and everything. I also hadn’t swept in two days, so there was a build up of crumbs and sand from Daughter’s shoes after school. A messy house usually makes me edgy, but this was past that. Saturday morning was set aside for cleaning, and we got about 75% done by noon.

I called in sick to the humane society. I was scheduled from 2-5 in surrender, but I was feeling nauseous and had tummy cramps. It was probably me just not wanting to go, and I would have been fine once I showed up, but I also wanted to take a nap. When I called, they said they hadn’t been busy, and it wasn’t a big deal if I decided not to come, so that was the deciding factor.

Saturday in general hasn’t been decided yet, there is still daylight left, and I am leaving soon to go out to dinner with family for my sister’s birthday. Details to come.