Sliding Further Down

Monday was a one star day
The entire day was a struggle to do even the simple things. Husband left late for work, so took Daughter to school, but that left me with Monster until about 9am. In just the hour or so I had him with me, I became frustrated and panicked. Once home, I worked on the computer for an hour or so, and became tired and wanted to take a short nap. I set the alarm for the absolutely latest I could sleep. I was surprised when I woke up to the alarm, meaning I slept 3 to 3 ½ hours. This made me feel that I wasted my day sleeping, and felt really bad and depressed about it.

I needed to pick up Monster, since Husband would be coming home late, and so now I would be home alone with him for 1 ½ hours. Again, the panic and frustration came back. I was almost paralyzed, not knowing what to do with him, on top of that, I don’t think he was feeling well, and was extra crabby, further affecting my mood.

I think I am having hallucinations, and they are somewhat frequent. I hear footsteps on the stairs mostly, things getting bumped around, the baby crying out, and sometimes voices that are very low and I can’t make out what they are saying. I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday, and will have to bring this up. My list of things is going longer. With the raging anxiety, deep, sudden dips into depression, insomnia and hallucinations lasting this entire time I have been on this new med Disiprimine. I hope he will switch me to something else, but of course that brings a whole new list of issues until the med is in my system. I don’t know that the Disiprimine is working that well, it has been two weeks now and I am miserable in different ways, meaning the anxiety is worse than the depression. I don’t know what else can be tried.

I have been on several SSRI anti-depressants and now a Tri-cyclic. There is one other kind, MAOI,  which can be a very dangerous med to take. There are a lot of severe interactions with other medications and common foods like cheese, yeast and certain meats. From my layman’s point of view, I don’t think this type would work with my current set of medications; it would need a lot of tricks to move everything around so that I could take them. Just thinking about having to change everything else scares me. Its taken years to find something that works as well as it is, I don’t want to mess with it. Even though there are problems, a lot of things are still under control right now. I will be bringing up the Vagus Nerve Stimulation treatment, and will try to ask lots of questions and maybe try to push for it. I definitely won’t go back to ECT.

Husband has some side work he is falling behind on, and I could tell that he was upset by the fact he had to watch the kids instead of me. He wants/needs all sorts of time to work on this, as it needs to be launched very, very soon. I just couldn’t handle it last night. Husband took the kids to the park and I stayed home to mope and get some quiet time. It took quite a while to get things in order for me; I pretty much ignored the computer last night, a rare occurrence.

I got tied up in watching “Hell Boy” (the first one) and then flipped around and somehow, I got involved with watching “The Girls Next Door”. It is a reality show about the playboy bunnies living with Hugh Hefner. I don’t know what he calls them, but there are three that are like his favorites and treat them like his wives. I really enjoyed the show, and even watched two of them before one of my favorite E! shows was on, The Soup. I didn’t have to care for the kids other than changing a diaper and putting the baby into bed. It took a whole two minutes, while Husband watched and entertained them, and put the difficult one, Daughter, to bed. I appreciate it, but I can’t make it up to him. I just can’t care for the kids on my own now.