Maintaining

Tuesday was a    day
I had big plans for Tuesday. After The Girl was on the bus, Monster and I would go to the park with some friends to go for a walk, after that, straight to the YMCA to do a good workout (since the walk is more like a stroll anyways), then home for lunch and putting Monster to bed. From there, both of us would take a nap, and I would wake up by 3:00 to open the door for The Girl when she got home. I also had plans to make dinner myself (a rare occurrence)..

Turns out that no one showed for a walk at the park, but another friend showed up coincidentally and we sat and talked for an hour or so. I met her in MOMS Club, but now I find that she is quitting the group. I didn’t get the exact reason from her, but I think it may have to be with the long-standing members and their closeness, but not towards newer members. I have been with them for over 1 ½ years, and I feel the same way, in fact, I almost quit when my membership was ready to be renewed.

After the visit with my friend, I headed towards the gym, but started feeling weird and anxious. It was a very different feeling than usual, and I am almost 100% sure it came on because I didn’t completely want to go work out. I called Husband and met him for lunch downtown, and felt a whole lot better by the time I left. I have been feeling overwhelmed about the big, looming feeling that my working out is not up to a normal level. I see all these other people going full blast, while I walk a 10 minute mile and stop to rest every 25 meters in the pool. I think I may be feeling embarrassed.

Daughter has been asking us to play video games we haven’t seen in months, and I think it’s a good thing. Now, we are actually getting some use out of our Wii, bonding as a family, and I use it as a distraction from the craziness and stress in general. Tuesday night, we all took turns and played Rayman (I’m not sure what version) and then finished our game (all three of us) on Mario Party. When Husband turned off the system while I was in another room, I was peeved; I wanted to play more Rayman while I could. Instead, I went for a quieter approach and played a hide and seek game on my laptop. I finished up around 10pm, and then went to spend some time with quiet time with my Husband since the kids were sleeping and we had an uninterrupted block of time.

Overall, the stress and anxiety is maintaining that lower level, keeping me at a constant low level of anxiety with spikes here and there. The spikes hit hard when they come, and I don’t know how to counteract them. I will be starting to get together my first aid kit for anxiety attacks, ready. My therapist recommended I find a box and put things into it that will help me calm and focus. Things like flashcards with affirmations, smells, list of things I can do to help and stuff like that. I have the perfect box, I don’t know why I haven’t started yet.