Lots of Anxiety

Monday was a    day

I don’t know how many Perphenazines I took yesterday, but it was at least six. Anxiety was everywhere, and I started getting depressed because I was so anxious. I know that doesn’t sound like I am making any sense, but my feelings are always hard to define and change quickly.

The first attack was about 9:30am, such a way to start the day! I called Husband, as usual, but did not get the results I wanted. He kept on the usual words and suggestions that he tries to give me every time I call, but I didn’t want to hear it. I was feeling so badly, I wanted him to come home, but I didn’t tell him that. I did tell him that I was not going to do the things he suggested, and wanted to get off the phone so he wouldn’t keep repeating himself.

I have sort of made a decision to not call Husband when panicking, and will try to deal myself. I really don’t have anyone else to talk to about this, besides my therapist, but that is only once a week for about 45 minutes. I don’t want to call the crisis line, because of a bad experience I had with the one in Houston. Basically, when I called, they asked if I was suicidal, and had a plan to do something. If I didn’t, that was it, no counseling, no nothing was offered. I don’t even know if there were any other services with the crisis line. When I think of a crisis line, I think of having a long chat with someone about what is going on to help vent, not just assess the likelihood of suicide and send them on their way. I was told that I would receive a phone call the next day to check in with me, but I never got it. When some sort of supervisor called three days later (to my surprise), she was surprised that I hadn’t been contacted, and went to take up this issue with the person I talked to one the phone.

Without a friendly ear, I don’t know what to do. I can talk to Husband, but he often says he just doesn’t understand my feelings or how someone could even feel that way. He tells me I am over-reacting, thinking too black and white, and not being proactive enough. Often he says I need to take hold and fight it, even when I am in a panic attack and can barely think straight enough to have the conversation in the first place.

My bronchitis still has a hold on me, when I lay down, even in a 45 degree angle, my cough is so bad I can barely take two breaths without gagging. It almost seems to be getting worse each night, so I tried to sleep sitting propped up on the couch. I was so tired at 8:30; I took my evening meds along with cough syrup and NyQuil. This knocked me out by 9:30, and I hoped for a good night.