"Leave Me Alone!"

Tuesday was a      day
I don't think Tuesday could have been any worse. I started off the day with severe anxiety, antsy feelings, disconnected from what I was doing and anger towards the noise and chaos the baby was making. I tried to chat with Husband, but he didn't respond well, which threw me into a huge fit and I refused to talk to him about any of my feelings or respond to his questions about whether or not I was safe from hurting myself or the baby. I would just repeat “I don't want to talk about it” and told Husband “I'm fine, I want to be left alone” and “I just need to rest”. I ignored his phone calls, and eventually logged out of chat effectively cutting off all communication with him. Husband came home from work.

Husband says I was being mean and inconsiderate towards him, but I just didn't see how this affected him so deeply while all that was going on. I tried to nap all afternoon, but I just couldn't relax. My brain was on overdrive and I put in a call to my doctor. I am now taking Perphenazine three times ago, at the maximum dose possible, and reducing my Lexapro (anti-depressant) back down to where it was two or so weeks ago. It almost feels like I am back in the manic world, but in weird ways, some of the typical signs are there, but there are also more things contributing to this.

After a small dinner and procrastinating, I made it to the “Y” for a workout. I ended up just walking 3 miles, and watching the Presidential debate made the time fly by. I could have gone for more, but I wanted to get home. I didn't get to the gym until about 7:45, meaning that with the hour of walking, I didn't get out of there until about 9:30pm. I also had to stop at the store to buy some brunch items since I am having people over Wednesday morning for the new playgroup we have just started. There are five moms and their little ones including to me, and up to three of them may be showing up, but I forgot to send out an email earlier to confirm, so no idea if anyone will show up at all.

I have decided that going so late in the evening is not a good idea. I didn't get into bed until about 11:30, which is when I have hopefully been asleep for ½ hour. With me unable to unwind, I'm sure that I didn't fall asleep until well after 12:15. Husband and I had a talk about how my behavior is affecting the family and how he was very upset by my actions that morning. We apologized to each other, but there are lots of little things that need to be worked on.