Hodgepodge- just couldn't pick one
Reading and searching for blogs and articles that appeal to me has in fact inspired me to more with my blog. I don’t know what yet, but it will probably involve some video and me moving away from just a description of my day and more stories and articles that really mean something. This may mean I will be stopping the every-day routine, but I think there will be some more worthwhile things to read.
Today I have not done well emotionally. I spoke with my doctor and so I am now backing off the full dose of the new imipramine to the middle one and letting my body adjust for a little while. Apparently the regimen doc put me on was aggressive, but he believes I need to be at the higher dose. In the meanwhile, I am depressed, wandering aimlessly around the house (pretty much just pacing) and thinking and thinking in circles that don’t make sense. I’m not having the racing thoughts, but I just can’t stop and say what it was that I was just thinking.
I feel unproductive and guilty about doing nothing today but moping and napping until Husband got home. Little Monster slept about 3 hours until we woke him, so that was a weight lifted. The kids and I had plans to go to a park with friends, but I called it off due to my lack of interest in the world, basically.
Sitting here Tuesday night, I do not feel safe with myself, meaning I am thinking of hurting myself in some way, and don’t think I can fight it off. I don’t know if I will hurt myself, but I am fighting. If it does come down to that, I will be back in the hospital, and that hurts everyone around me. I would be going to a different hospital, and this one will be very close to a lot of family members. My fear is that they will want to come see me, and I just can’t let that happen.
Most of the family doesn’t even know that I am bipolar, and possibly even that I have been admitted into a hospital for this. I don’t know how I could keep it a secret, my husband wouldn’t tell anyone, but I would need to tell my mom, who would tell my sisters, and hopefully no further than that. I shouldn’t say that, my mom wouldn’t go behind my back, and tell a secret like this. The iffy part is that my step-dad would find out, which happens to be staying with my grandma. She is a blabbermouth, if she knows, the entire family knows within a day. I guess I can refuse all visitors by my husband, but then again, who would want to go see someone in a “mental hospital”. The family is very quiet about any type of problem, there are things that I have heard hinted at, but never outright confirmed. “Possibly” my aunt has been admitted for depression more than once, and the other one has had issues with depression.
The women in the family seem to have a knack for picking men that turn out to be @ssh01es. On the surface, and for quite a while into the relationship, then something happens. Sometimes alcohol, cheating, or in three cases, drugs got involved. Some of them had two or three of these issues. This includes my two aunts, my mother, grandmother and sister. One of them even had it happen in two marriages. These people tried to hang on and try to make things better, but fail. I can see how these situations could cause a lot of emotional problems, but of course, they hide it and just have no way to deal.
