Another Way to Attack

Tuesday was a one star day
Wednesday was a two star day
Tuesday feels so long ago. I’ve been falling down on the job, and just can’t get my blog written first thing in the morning. There is always something interfering, either the kids wake up early, or there is some email or other thing that takes my attention, and it just drifts away. I always think ‘hey, I can write just after I do this…”

I have tried to do this timing, of writing about each day at the end of the day, but I slipped back. Already, I am feeling the desire to give up blogging for the day, and just let it pass. I am feeling anxious and depressed and just want some quiet time to myself.

Tuesday I slept the afternoon away, again, but not until after my guests left. I had some friends over for coffee and to let the kids play. The baby has been sleeping for at least 2 ½ hours and sometimes a little over three. This is great because that means I get to sleep for almost that long too.

The evening was horrible, I had nothing but anxiety and panic attacks. I couldn’t watch American Gladiators without crying, and I was in such a state that I don’t remember a lot. I actually ended up in my bedroom bawling about nothing. Husband tried to calm me with playing cards, which usually helps, but I refused. We sat and talked for a while, but it just turned out to him lecturing me and telling me how I should handle things. It only helped a little, and the rest of the time I think I resented the fact that he seemed to know what was best for me, and how I should run my life.

Right now (Wednesday night) just looking at the kids, and listening to their noises is driving me mad, and I feel the need to escape. I was able to get a good nap in today, but I just feel all over the place. I saw my psychiatrist today, and the appointment went pretty well, I requested to be put back on Lexapro, an antidepressant that has worked well, and quickly in the past. It was the first drug that seriously helped me in those first six months of hospital stays and ECT. It was so effective, that when we got a dog to help me as sort of a therapy dog, we named him “Lex”. We also talked about the Vagus Nerve Stimulation treatment. He thinks I may qualify for the study going on at the University of MN. As of now, regular ol’ medical insurance companies are not covering these costs, so if I want one, I need to be in a medical study to get it paid for. Otherwise, it’s like $30,000.

I talked briefly with Husband about this, and he thinks that if I can’t get in here, there are other possibilities. This includes flying back and forth to another state to get this treatment. It would be worth any effort we put forth.

Right now I am too distracted, and every little thing is annoying.