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Wednesday was a two star day
With the earlier waking time, I have now officially changed my alarm to 6:30am. Ouch. It sounds so much earlier, but I am not feeling that more tired than waking at 7:00. Unfortunately, I don’t think 6:30 is early enough. I am used to a whole hour before the kids wake up, so now I don’t even have enough time to do my blogging, check email and do my plurking before I have to have myself ready. I need almost a full hour I can dedicate to get the kids ready.

Since Monster hadn’t been feeling well, he hadn’t been to Auntie’s, and I didn’t expect him to be on Wednesday. If he didn’t have any more diarrheas, which he didn’t, I was going to call Auntie and arrange for her to watch him Thursday and/or Friday. Monster did ok, and I made the call. Wednesday, Auntie had some teeth pulled, and was feeling pretty miserable, but agreed to both Thursday and Friday. I was looking forward to having both days to myself, no kids, but as you will read in my next post, I didn’t get that.

Husband and I had a meeting to go to at the humane society as a follow-up to the website, doing some Q&A with the staff. My mom agreed to watch the kids, and I didn’t really think about needing the house clean-ish before she got there, until that morning. I attacked the house, and took almost two hours to do dishes, pick up toys, sweep, and other stuff to make things presentable. I hate having a deadline like that, but did finish with a little cushion.

With the craziness of cleaning, I didn’t have time to go to the YMCA to do my swimming before Daughter got home. As a side note— having to be at that corner at an exact time takes more effort than I thought it would. We then had that meeting, so I decided that I would go swim after the meeting, especially since I almost pass the Y on the way home. At the meeting, sleepiness hit from missing my nap and I got extremely hungry. My plans to go swim were cancelled, and although this would mean I wouldn’t make my goal of exercising every day this week until Friday, and get my reward dinner, I felt so badly, I was ready to skip it.

To make up for the swimming, I had the option to do a 20 minute bike ride, and I agreed to do that. The trail here by my home has two big inclines, but the ride down the back is almost all coasting. In this area there are lots of ups and downs, and I have not figured out exactly the best way to go to maximize my strength for those hills, and where the resting, coasting areas should be.

I was a bit depressed, and had a hard time with motivation for anything, but especially the swimming. I am just so tired. The kindergarten thing makes for a yucky schedule and little nap possibilities. It is still the first week, so I guess I should give it some time, and try putting the Monster on a set schedule and not waiting for him to show me he is ready for nap. This way I have the time I want and need for blogging and plurking and the possibility of a nap, should I feel one is necessary.

Tuesday was a three star day
It feels like there is something I need to be doing, but I am pretty sure that there isn’t anything. I am used to making the drive from home-> school for Daughter -> to Auntie’s to drop off Monster-> errands -> blog-> nap -> everyone gets home. Having a nap in there may make it seem that I don’t accomplish much, and if you guessed that, you would be right about 60% of the time.

I have to fight and fight to stay awake all day, it is probably one of my medications, and the fact that I have sleeping issues. I had a sleep study done a little over a year ago, and they found some funky things, but couldn’t, but probably wouldn’t label it as anything. I have a very minor case of sleep apnea and my cycles are short where they should be long, and sometimes too long here and there. I was thought to have narcolepsy for a little while, but my test results didn’t have exactly the patterns, so they wouldn’t call it that. I am even taking Provigil, a med used for ADD/ADHD. It usually shows you down, but when you do not have ADD and such, it has the opposite effect. It isn’t addictive, little or no side effects, and is quick acting. I tried to cut down the dose by ½, since my psychiatrist thought that Provigil was causing my insomnia, but I could barely function; I was just too tired. Turns out, and as I was guessing all along, it was the new anti-depressant.

To battle the boredom of the day, I took the monster to the mall so I could get a little exercise while looking for a swimsuit and journal for school to be filled out each year with fun things to think about and keep a photo. I found a total of three, one would probably work, but it was $22, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend that much. I have a scrapbook with colors I picked out for Daughter to show her different activities and important moments, but I felt overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. I think I will use this to do the school years journal. It is pink and full of flowers and sparkles, but I think it will be fine. I may decide to just find a neutral color and decorate the outside in a way that won’t seem childish when she graduates from high school.

Tuesday I swam 3/5 of a mile, which is 1/8 more than I did yesterday. And yes, I am keeping track in as little of increments as I need to. I super want to know exactly how much I am swimming each day and use it as a marker to show my progress in increasing that number. I am still having problems with the breathing patterns and technique while in freestyle mode. I haven’t been doing as much as that as I am doing backstroke and kick boards. I even got out the pull buoys and used them while on my back, just trying to work the opposite muscles in my arms. I am getting a good work out with my legs, doing about 70% of my time on the kickboard.

I think the swimming is already improving my mood, as it is a great distraction from pretty much the entire world, giving me less time to dwell and be lazy at home. I have still been antsy and anxious, but it doesn’t linger, also there are new triggers that I can’t identify yet. I stopped taking the double dose of my anti-anxiety med (Perphenazine) since my monthly cycle is over and the hormones are back to “normal”. I may have to take one regularly in the afternoon, perhaps even take two when I wake up and see how that goes.

Monday was a three star day
This is the day my little girl went off to start kindergarten. She was pout-y and clingy, because of the fear of the unknown. I felt bad letting her go when she was feeling like this. Husband stayed home to help out with this big day. He helped get Monster fed and dresses, and made sure Daughter had her backpack in a conspicuous place. Husband then drove to the school and waited for her bus to arrive so he could help her find her classroom. The school was chaos with hardly anyone to help the kids find their way, and Husband was glad he was there.

My plans were to go straight to the YMCA to do my swimming, but I couldn’t find my goggles and nose plug. I went to Walgreen’s on my way, but they didn’t have anything. They suggested a sports store I had forgotten about, but again, nothing. I went to Target, drove up and down Hwy. 13 in Burnsville looking for a specific place, a little store in a strip mall, and then Play It Again Sports. By then it was almost noon! The wonderful people at Play It Again reminded me that there was a swim school very close by, and I headed there. They didn’t have everything, of course, but their supplier was just across the street. Oh how happy I was to have finally arrived at this overly helpful and complete destination.

I bought my things and headed for the YMCA, and was just changed and ready to get into the pool when my cell phone rang. It was my mom who happened to be in the area and wanted to stop for lunch somewhere. I changed back to my street clothes and met her at Old Piper Inn. By the time we were done, I only had an hour until Daughter got off the bus. This left me with the only option of doing my swimming that evening.

Getting back to swimming was a little more difficult than I thought it would be, it has been almost 15 years since the high school swim team. Just getting the breathing down is hard, and I am having a problem trusting my nose plug. I can go about one 25 meter length, and then most time have a short rest before I go again (sometimes to catch my breath, and others because I was tired). I did some backstroke, my favorite, and used the flip boards for about ten lengths. I got a really good workout in just 20 minutes. I also joined the 100 mile club, something I will probably take a year to complete, but it gives me something to work for besides just loosing weight. I will also get a free t-shirt announcing my accomplishment when I am done; it’s a minor incentive, but one none the less.

I am excited for these new changes. I think that since the whole kindergarten thing is starting at the same time, it will be easier to break into new routines in other areas of my life. Depression didn’t cause any issues, but there was some anxiety here and there.

Sunday was a two star day
I know I am getting this out a day late, but Monday was a go-go-go day, and I barely sat down until about 6pm. My in-laws that come into town for the big fireworks show weren’t leaving until this morning since it ran so late. I was super tired, and actually took two naps. I took a longer one in the morning, and then at about 4pm for like ½ hour.

I decided to seriously loose weight on Sunday, and have made agreements for rewards for accomplishments. If I work out every day this week, I get to go out to dinner at the restaurant of my choice. I have also started taking Dexatrim to give me a little help. I actually started on Saturday, and it seemed to work, so I will continue for now. My preferred methods of exercise will be swimming, and then walking. If those can not be done, I will do some of the classes at the YMCA and ride the stationary bike.

I got the usual Sunday night depression, and it was in some ways worse than it has been in other weeks. Something that was probably adding to all this was the fact that my daughter was starting kindergarten the next morning. Daughter has been stressed about it, and keeps saying that she is scared. I’m sure once she gets there and meets some kids, she will better. She just doesn’t like going into something new not knowing anyone at all, and I don’t blame her for it. It won’t be long until she is the usual social butterfly that she usually is.

My day was up and down, and being tired increases the frequency and depth of the depression side. At times, I was also feeling anxious. When I'm like this, I just give into the sleepiness and hope things are better when I awake.

Saturday was a two star day
I woke up earlier than usual, by a whole hour. Since I was to volunteer in the afternoon, this led to a need for a nap. Husband wanted to sleep in, so I was stuck with the kids, and by the time he got up, I truly needed a nap and a break from the crazy. I slept for an hour, but it felt a lot longer than that, and in fact the entire morning went very slow. When I got to the humane society, I oddly felt like I didn’t want to work. I was antsy and dreading sitting there just waiting for something to happen.

There was little going on for the staff members, so at least I got to hang out and watch them do the few things they did do. There was also a tiny, tiny kitten that was stepped on by a horse, but doing very well. He must have been only four weeks old or so, and super cute and sweet. He just wanted attention and to be as close to people as he could. A lot of the staff and other volunteers wandered in and out of my area to see this kitten, and broke up the boredom. I also had a surrender that took about an hour, so that helped with it too. I left ten minutes early, after 1 ½ hours of no activity. We also had plans for the evening, so I wanted to get home to change.

My husband’s uncle is part of a professional pyrotechnic group who put on an annual show. Another one of Husband’s uncles is in a band that would be the entertainment between dinner and fireworks. The in-laws came into town for this, and my sister and niece came along. MIL stayed home with Monster since he wouldn’t get much out of it, and would probably cry and not be able to stand the noise. We all wore earplugs, and the fireworks were super loud. About five hundred people showed up for the show, and I had a good time, I didn’t get stressed out. In most cases I would get nervous and stressed about all of this; I had a couple beers, so that probably helped.

We got a ticket for idling in a handicapped parking space on the way home. I needed to use the restroom badly, so we pulled into a gas station quickly and I ran out. A cop showed up and gave the ticket.  There was no warning, we were not parked, and it was probably less than 90 seconds before the cop started walking to the van. This made for an awkward ride home; especially I was being blamed for it since I left the side door open. According to Husband, if I had closed the door, he would have moved the van. The thing is, we have automatic doors, and he could have pushed the little button from the driver’s seat just as easily. After we got home, I was apologized to, but Husband was still upset and stressed about the whole thing. What makes it worse, we don’t even know how much the fine is, the cop didn’t know, but thought he was doing us a favor by doing it by a city ordinance instead of a state. He was expecting a “thank you” or “good night” but he didn’t get it.

Friday was a two star day
Monster went to Auntie’s house like any other Friday, but I had Daughter at home with me. I cancelled the last day she would have had at her preschool, so that I could spend some more time with her. Unfortunately, I had migraines, so we didn’t do much. After dropping off Monster, we went home, and I took a nap since I was super tired and had a migraine.

When I woke up, I felt mostly better, but I soon got another migraine. Daughter always wants me to play Barbies with her, and this time I gave in, even though my head hurt. We moved everything upstairs next to the couch so that I could rest while we played. After about 20 minutes I told her I couldn’t do anymore, and I needed to sleep again. My little cuddle-bug decided she wanted to climb under the blanket with me, so we snuggled for a while. I fell asleep, and she was gone when I woke up, but I think she was in and out for quite a while, she had some of her own pillows and blankets there next to me.

When I had woke up for good, I found that Husband was already home and had both kids downstairs so that I could sleep. My migraine was gone, but not for long. The screaming kids were enough to give me another headache, but this time not so bad. By the end of the night, I felt very depressed and antsy. I’m not sure what triggered it, but I felt worthless and aimless. I had a long talk with my husband, and started to feel better. To sum up Friday, I had migraines, napped and got depressed; those are the only things that pop out.

Thursday was a two star day
I can’t decide if it was a two or three star day. It should have been a three, but looking at each of the smaller parts, they didn’t seem that great. The plan was to leave Monster with Auntie, and I would go to the Sate Fair with my mom and daughter. Late Wednesday night, I got a call from Auntie canceling for the day, and I ended up bringing both kids along.

While at the fair, Daughter was just not herself. She was demanding, whiny, and even ran off once or twice. She just didn’t listen and got herself into a time-out. Since we were walking around, the “corner” ended up riding on the stroller and made to be quiet. My mom got frustrated with her, and voiced it a few times. Daughter was just so out of character, it either had to sugar high, the excitement of the fair (most unlikely) or stress from the upcoming changes.

In the car, she got teary-eyed and told me she wanted me to stay with her at school on Monday. Getting on the bus isn’t scary to her, she did that for summer camp, but we will have to wait and see come Monday. My plan is to drop her at the bus, then meet the bus at school and help her get to her class. If it ends up where she won’t get on the bus, we will just walk over together and try again Tuesday.

While at the open house, I signed up to help in the hallways Thursday morning. I will help the little kids get off the bus and into the right classroom.

On the way home from the fair, Monster fell asleep, and so did I. I was so drowsy driving and I started to get a migraine on top of it. I felt it coming earlier that morning, but never delivered. Even though Monster woke up when we got home, I put him to bed so that I could lay down. I gave myself an injection for the migraine and dozed off while Daughter watched tv and ate cheese-its.

The rest of the evening I felt tired, my feet hurt after the four miles at the fair, and Daughter was crazy and didn’t listen very well. I didn’t feel like I had a good day, even though I had a good time at the fair minus all the drama with Daughter. There was a lot of excitement, which made the day go quick, but I guess some of that excitement was negative. Not the way I wanted my fair experience to be.

Wednesday was a two star day
Since it is now Thursday night, and I have missed blogging while this day is fresh in my mind, it will be another short post. I spent most of the day alone since the kids were at school and Auntie’s house.

It was the last day Daughter would go to her preschool/daycare, and the day of her kindergarten open house. There are some big, big changes I her life, and she is feeling the stress. She has been clingy and whiny and overall not her usual self. This just puts more stress on me, and Monster is still sick, so it’s been a hard week or two. I had to buy the rest of Daughter’s school supplies, pick up Monster and drop him off within a small window, but got it all done.

I started feeling some paranoia, just out of nowhere. I was afraid for my safety, my kids and the car. I kept looking over my shoulder, locked the car multiple times to be sure, and things like that. When it got to its peak, it was fortunate I was just about home and had time for a nap.

The open house was nice; we met the teacher and got to know her new room, then Daughter happened to meet her locker mate. Daughter got nervous and scared while there, which made me feel worse. I started to get emotional just walking around and seeing the other kids there. My baby is starting school, and I don’t know that I am ready for it. Up until now, I thought I was, but now I just don’t think I’ll make it through Monday morning without some tears.

Overall, I felt pretty good, but there were bouts of deep depression. For some reason, this has been coming back and the anxiety is getting more in check. I guess that is just the ups and downs of bipolar. Having something to focus on with errands or while finding specific information we needed for school helps keep my mind off things.

Tuesday was a one star day
The day started out with panic attacks and overwhelming feelings; it was just bad all around. By the time it was 10:00, I was to the point where I needed my husband to come home. The baby is still sick, and slept in late, but it was just too much to handle in that short time I was with him.

Baby seemed tired just two hours after he work up, and I was urged by Husband to just put him in bed and let him cry a bit. He thought Monster would go to sleep quickly, and he was right. Since he was sleeping, I went to take a nap too, leaving Daughter to watch tv by herself. I set out a snack, as usual, and reviewed the rules before heading up. I slept two hours and Monster, almost four! I would have slept more, but Daughter decided that she needed even more food, and it had to be something cooked.

Since Monster was still sleeping, I had some quieter time, but it didn’t help my mood much. I really can’t say much more than it was a difficult time. I was depressed, anxious, antsy, and all those uncomfortable feelings I get in hard times.

Monday was a two star day
I had the monster home with me all day since he hadn’t been feeling well. Sunday he was whiny and feverish, and still has diarrhea after ten days. The doc doesn’t know what it is, but it has happened before. They just pass it off as a “bug” and send us home. If it were just the diarrhea, we could narrow it down to lactose or something, but he must have something a little more serious (in my opinion).

I called Auntie to cancel for the day, and arranged to have her make the day up on Thursday. This is when I plan on going to the state fair with Daughter and my mom. Monster would just be one more thing to keep track of and add a stroller to push. Walking around as much as we plan to will be enough hard enough. Thursday is opening day, and I am excited, this time I actually get to go see the things Husband groans at or just flat refuses to do. These are the things I grew up doing each year, and it just doesn’t feel as fulfilling when I go to just eat. I will go again with Husband and the kids another time, probably Labor Day weekend since Daughter will have started school already. I don’t want her to miss a day in the very first week. My goal is perfect attendance and being on-time each day. This is probably too much to expect, but I can always dream.

I was depressed again, for most of the late afternoon and evening. It may have been the stress of taking care of the Monster, but he slept a long, long time for his nap (almost four hours) and I was even able to sleep a bit during that time too. My psychiatrist thinks the Lexapro isn’t up to its full strength since I started it just two-three weeks ago. It should help with my anxiety as well at depression, and it was the anxiety he thought would improve as I continued with Lexapro.