Personal

Tuesday was a good day for the most part. It started early with Christmas shopping with my mom and grandma. I finished my last minute thing, a gift for Husband. He is the hardest person to shop for, so I went easy and got my usual gifts for him. Every holiday I get him a new pair of boxer shorts, there are few that I have missed in the last 5 years or so. I ended up at Casual Male XL, and got him a pair of boxers with “Xbox” logo and controllers on them, and then Batman lounging pants. He also needed a pair of fingerless gloves to replace the ones he lost since last year. I spent about $40 on him when our limit was $10. Oops. Since they were boring gifts, I don't feel too badly that he truly has only gotten me $15 worth of stuff. I am labeling the gloves from Daughter and Monster.

We finished out the morning of shopping with lunch at Divannis; it's one of my favorite lunch spots. We just happened to need to pass it while on our way home.

When Monster and I got home, we went straight to bed and had an 1.5 hour nap. I spent the next 4-5 hours on my feet making cookies. I made some sugar cookie cutouts with mini cutters, none are larger than a dollar coin, and they are adorable. I spent almost as long decorating as I did making the batter and cutting out the pieces.

I went to bed late, really late, couldn't/didn't want to go to sleep. I think I was starting to feel stress just from knowing I will be spending the entire afternoon and evening in a house with about 25-30 people, all of which are very, very loud talkers. I want to go to spend time with them, but don't feel like I need to bet there 8 hours or more.

I finished almost all the cookies I wanted to get done, I just need to realize that there are four family functions, and I will have time between some of them to get some baking done, so there is plenty for everyone. I am guessing I will see about 125 people by Sunday!

Saturday was a     day
I am going to try getting back to a daily blog about my happenings and emotions. I will try not to miss any days, but with the holidays coming up, who knows what will happen.

Anyways, I had two shifts at the Humane Society. It was my week for front desk duty, 9-11:00 plus I switched a shift with the girl that does opposite Saturdays from me for surrender. I went home at 11, and then went home for a quick nap and then back by 2:00. The weather was horrible and the roads were pretty bad, but I made it easily with minimal slipping. I didn't take much more than 5 minutes longer to get there and back for the morning, and about 10 minutes for my afternoon shift.

My day was super boring. Because of the weather, I didn't have any surrenders but one. During the last ten minutes of my shift someone came in with a pair of rats, so I stood and twiddled my thumbs for 2 hours and 50 minutes. I checked my Plurk, Twitter, Facebook and email a few times here and there, which passed a little time. The time seemed to slow down and sometimes stop. I hardly help with laundry at home, why would I want to do laundry there? There was a load already dry and one in the washer and were ready to be switched. I reluctantly folded and skipped putting the next load into the washer.

This Saturday's surrender shift was probably the worst I have had to date and just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Since the weather was so bad I considered several time to tell them all I was leaving before it got any worse, but refrained. I have an obligation there, and who knows, they may need me for somthing important.

My daughter left Saturday morning to go spend some time at the inlaw's house. She will be gone until Wednesday, Christmas Eve when they come back to town for my FIL's usual Christmas Eve celebration. This means she will be gone four nights, five days, and I worry about her homesickness. She has a hard time being away from home for that amount of time, sometimes less. I expect a phone call every day, and maybe I will have to go pick her up early, which I wouldn't mind.

Husband and I had another conversation about Chris, my ex-boyfriend. Apparently, the last discussion Husband told me to stop all communication with him, but I didn't get it. I told him I would stop calling him at that time, but thought e-mail was ok. I have been emailing every day and have been watching the subject and tone. We have been talking about his divorce, so obviously he has other things on him mind than trying to flirt and cause issues. I seriously, honestly thought this was ok. Out of no where, Husband asked me what was going on with this, and I told him, this turned into an argument immediately. There is now a blanket-rule that ex-boyfriends are not ok, nothing to do with any of them for any reason. I wrote an email to Chris telling him that everything had to stop and I would not be calling or emailing him again, and wished the same of him. Husband was in such a state he almost asked me to cc: him on the email.

Things are still ok in our relationship, there is some wavering in the trust area, but things will work itself out with time.

I was anxious or depressed most of the day. So depressed that I am starting to think about quitting the Humane Society all together, and then nervous and anxious about the thoughts going through Husband's mind about the Chris situation and how and when things would smooth out.

Before discussion #1 occurred, I had looked up Chris' phone number and called him to chat. I took me three days to actually get the nerve to call him. My stomach was full of butterflies and I just didn't know if it was a good idea for us to actually talk. When I did call, I continued with the butterflies through the whole thing, and somehow, we filled up a whole hour of getting to know each other again. As of today, I have probably talked to him five times. The butterflies have mostly gone, but now it feels like I am sneaking around to talk to him because of the discussion with Husband, he has not banned phoning him, he just wants me to be honest with him about it.

It has come to my attention that when I talk to him, I talk extra quiet, and this scares Husband. He wants to know why I whisper, but I don't have an explanation to give him. Last night, before the second big discussion, I talked to Chris on the phone, and that “whispering”, as Husband calls it, started the whole thing. I used the wrong words, and it turned into a fit of jealousy. Again, Husband walked away a bit, and this time he grabbed my phone to look at the call history. Again, I felt violated and nervous as I had to explain that I hadn't talked to him that many times, he was not at home for the six times I called over the last three days.

This also irritates Husband because Chris has my phone number now. On top of things, Husband is ripping him to shreds, he is playing the “alas, poor me, I'm getting a divorce” ticket, he is manipulating me and trying to question my marriage. Trying to make me to relive these feelings and bring them back so he can steal him away from Husband.

I get asked the questions “What would you do if you were in my shoes?” and “Is it worth it”. Husband won't tell me what to do, but he does want honesty and for me to have better judgment. I deleted Chris' phone number out of my phone and will not call him again. This is too bad because I have been enjoying talking to him, and none of it would be something Husband would disapprove of.

I spent the evening watching the kids while Husband worked upstairs. He is trying to finish putting together a presentation that he will be giving on Wednesday. I watched Sponge Bob with the kids mostly, and then when Husband was done for the night, he played his video games while I sat on the internet and partially watched the kids.When kids were in bed, we had a"discussion".

This “discussion” that Husband and I had has to deal with my contact with an old boyfriend. He was more than just a boyfriend, he was my high school sweetheart, we lived together for a while and were even engaged. There was some things I did not make clear when we started talking, and it has snowballed into a huge stress. Husband keeps asking “is this relationship worth this”, meaning the contact with old boyfriend, Chris. It is making Husband jealous and insecure, and me anxious and scared and guilty. It isn't worth it, but if I were clear in the very beginning, things might have been ok. He has come right out and asked me if I were cheating on him, which I did not. There is no risk of this, not just because he lives 4 hours away, but because I wouldn't do that to Husband.

Another old boyfriend contacted me about two weeks before this one, it was a silly little puppy love thing when I was 15. We weren't together long, and now, it really doesn't matter at all to me. We emailed a few times, and it stopped at that. While we were talking, Chris took this other boyfriend's place as an email buddy. The two questions that Husband asked when he saw I was talking to Old Boyfriend #1 were “Was it serious?” and “Did you sleep with him”. Both questions were a “no” and Husband treated the emails as nothing to worry about. Chris on the other hand did mean something to me, a lot, and we had slept together.

During the first arguments, it was brought out in the open that I had not been emailing who he thought I had been. Behind my back, and during a break in a “discussion” we were having, he stepped out of the room briefly and he logged into my email to read the messages between us. I felt so violated, and he felt jealous and angry about the number of emails there were. There were a lot, during the first couple days we talked, there were about 80. Most were one line, almost like a chat session, but there were some very deep conversations as well. This is where Husband found out about the nature of our relationship, from email and not me, making me seem like a liar. I haven't lied, I may have left out some things, but never answered a questions untruthfully. Perhaps deceptive is a better word, and I don't know why I never told him in the first place. Probably because I really wanted to talk to him to catch up on high school friends, and him, but knew that if Husband found out that he was a “yes” to his two questions, he might not allow it.

There is more to talk about, but will continue in another post so that this one isn't so long.

Well, it has been too long since my last post, and I feel guilty about it. There are things that I should talk about. I will split it up a bit, so, here is the first part. Warning- some icky body things described below. Not for the easily grossed out.

I have been sick, and I mean really sick. I was having abdominal pain, and my OB thought it was gynecological, and I had an infection somewhere inside. I was on two different antibiotics but it wasn't helping. I was admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics and observation, and even had a laproscopy done for my girly parts. They found nothing. The next possibility was digestive, which it did turn out to be. Unfortunately, the doctors at the hospital didn't think that it was that, and had no other explanation, so they sent me home. When I saw my GP the next day, she found the problem and her advise cleared things up within two days. Unfortunately things started back two days later, so I went to a specialist and he ordered a test to check for a blockage and other basic issues. I am still waiting for results, four days later.

Other than this, the entire family got the stomach flu. The boy was the source of the bug (we think because of the contact in the childcare at the YMCA), and he started symptoms Friday after Thanksgiving. Saturday, the other three of us got symptoms, all at once, within an hour of each other. So, everyone was vomiting, taking turns in the bathroom. We put ourself into quarantine and tried to make it through it. Being sick and puke-y trying to care for the little ones was a very difficult challenge. I just wanted to rest and sip chicken broth, but instead I was cleaning up messes and listening to the crying. The girl and I were done with it by Sunday night, but husband carried out the less attractive parts for about 10 days. The boy lasted longer and couldn't take any milk. It was hard because he would just cry and cry for it. He drank the juice, but asked for milk between sips.

I have been very sick lately, even had an inpatient stay at the hospital and a minor surgery. This doesn't really account for the lack of posts on my blog, but it sounds good. I have been off my schedule since then, sleeping late and taking as long of naps of possible. I even skipped my volunteer shifts for three or four weeks in a row because of not feeling well and just needing that extra sleep.

Now that things have calmed down, I am feeling better and able to get back to working out, it is time to get back on my normal schedule. This includes getting up about 7am to do my light therapy before the kids get up, then waking the girl. Husband gets up on his own and walks her to the bus stop, and hopefully, the baby sleeps through all this. He is almost always up by 8:30, so I really don't have a lot of time after 8:00 to myself.

The preferred schedule from there is to feed the baby and after a little while, head off to the YMCA. We try to get out of there by 12 so I can go home, feed the baby and put him down immediately for his nap. I nap at that time too, until 3:00 when the girl comes home. Having the two of them together is almost always complete chaos with jumping on furniture, arguing over toys, laughing and screaming and so on. It is a struggle every day to keep them in check until Husband gets home at about 5:45. By then I am so frazzled that I have taken my anxiety med and have to get away from everyone by going upstairs.

Schedules are very helpful to me, it keeps me in check and have a sense of control about what is going to happen at various times of the day. I just thrive on it.

It is time to get back to this now, it will be hard getting up for a while, but I really need to make this happen.

I am going to do do a Polar Bear Plunge to support Special Olympics. It is on January 31st in White Bear Lake, MN. I am collecting pledges starting now. Please consider donating, every little bit helps!

Click here to make an online donation!

Oh Well!

I have not blogged in about three days, and I have no intention of trying to go back and write an entry for those days. I am going to stop writing every day, perhaps every other or just twice a week. I have been dreading writing some mornings, and other days I just forget and it is a rush to get it out that evening. During the day I don't have much time to work on it, so either it is right away when I get up (only on days that I do get up with my alarm) or after dinner when I have forgotten most of what happened.

I have been going to the YMCA almost every single day. Some days I walk and do my weight lifting circuit, and others I go to one of the classes. I love classes, they keep me moving for a full hour without the pounding on my legs from walking. I've been doing yoga and pilates classes, and some that mix the two along with either some tai chi or cardio. I would like to do some swimming, but I can never get there when the lanes are empty. I talked to one of the lifeguards about the quietest part of the week for the lap lanes, and it appears Wednesdays are super quiet all around. I will have to try that out next week.

Since I have been going to the “Y” I have been feeling really good, and so I am trying to keep it up. I do have a restriction though, the child care is only for two hours. If I were to do a full work out like I want, there would be an hour or so of walking, 45 minutes or however long to do my weights and then soak in the hot tub for a little while (or maybe even swim for 15 minutes) and then shower, dress and go pick up Monster. That is more like 2 ½ hours, or maybe even three.

My moods have been pretty steady, meaning less mood swings, but unfortunately the level it is holding is somewhat high. I like that just after the workout I am in a relatively good mood, but as I have blogged (many times) before it is super hard to get the energy and motivation to walk out that door. I think that SAD is trying to get a firmer hold on me, and rainy days are the worst. Other than exercise there are few distractions that I can just suddenly pull out of my closet and get to work on right away.

Saturday was a       day
Anxiety Range: 2-4
Depression Range: 1-3
Impulses: 3
Activity Level: 2
Light Time: zero

Saturday was day #1 of 2 of the house warming/birthday party. All of MIL's brothers and sisters were able to make it, and only one of their spouses did not come. That means seven people, three of Husband's cousins and their spouses were here, then the grandparents, MIL and FIL, my SIL, and of course Husband. There were five little kids running around and one small dog that couldn't be left home for so long. Total count was 20 people (with me) in the medium sized house. It took part of two larger dining room tables, seating outside and all the chairs in the living room (plus folding chairs brought in) for everyone to sit down for a meal. I have a somewhat mild case of claustrophobia, but the more people you add, the worse it becomes.

MIL made seafood gumbo and my chili recipe for lunch, and I got a lot of compliments, which felt nice, then for dinner MIL had cooked a turkey and pulled it apart for sandwiches. One of MIL's sister brought FIVE full size desserts, which 1 ½ of them would have sufficed. Two other people also brought a dessert and sweet bread so the temptation was running wild. I controlled myself pretty well except for the lemon poppyseed bread. For the birthday part of the day, the dessert lady then brought out a sixth, a Ho-Ho cake. It was basically chocolate cake topped with a cream, and then chocolate, the components of a Ho-Ho. I did not eat any of the cake knowing that it would be chocolaty rich and I don't enjoy that most of the time.

I hid from the party for quite a bit, I hung out in the den playing with my iPhone and fixed some of my contacts, and Plurked a bit. I also played pool with Husband and FIL in the less populated basement, took a nap, and then went back to the den for a bit, and then downstairs with Husband to an abandoned space. I only thought to take my anti-anxiety med (Perphenazine) once, and I should have taken more, it would have definitely helped.

I had expected to hear a bunch of political back and forth for most of the day, but it didn't come until the end of the day when things were settling down. I think every one of them are democrats, so it didn't really matter what they were talking about, they all agreed deep down. I didn't last long in the room with all this, so that was the time I escaped to downstairs with Husband to play pool.

As you can guess, anxiety was high, but then I also hit an antsy/depressed period near the end of the day. Playing pool helped the best, it was a nice distraction.

Friday was a     day
Anxiety Range: 1-3
Depression Range: 1-3
Impulses: 1
Activity Level: 2
Light Time: 1 hour

Happy Halloween!

When I woke up Friday morning remembering that I had some little Halloween packages to make up for our neighbors. They were like little Chinese food containers (without the lids) with stickers and images of Halloween-y stuff. I sneaked outside in my pajamas and dropped the candy boxes on our two neighbor's doorsteps, put one in Daughter's backpack for her teacher and took one to the bus stop under my jacket. I brought it for Annay, the girl that walks Daughter home from the bus every day. As soon as the bus was out of sight, I walked over to her house and left it on her doorstep.

Husband was using Friday for his work-at-home day, and wanted to sleep in, doing only a half day, but when he finally did get up about 8:45, he decided that he would take the entire day off work. We had plans to leave Saturday morning for the in-laws, and then stay the weekend. They are having a birthday party for MIL's mom disguised as a house-warming party, but it is still partly for the house warming. We changed our plans to taking the kids to the mall for trick-or-treating and then leave that evening, getting there late. Husband was stuck on the idea of have the house clean before we left, so that was part of the reason he decided to take the entire day off. I also thought this was a good idea, coming home to a messy house is a horrible feeling. By the time we left, the kitchen was spotless (including the floor), the living room looked great, the only thing left were some items left on the dining room table.

At 1:00, Daughter had her Halloween party at school, and Husband and I went to volunteer. Husband watched the bean bag toss while I did face painting. There was also musical chairs, pin the nose on the pumpkin, decorating cookies, fishing pond and a relay race. It was an hour of excitement and smiles all around for the kids.

It was nap time for Monster and me after the party and Husband finished the cleaning. Daughter couldn't decide if she wanted to walk around the neighborhood or go to the mall. I wanted to go to the mall after Daughter finally decided to do the neighborhood. I won out. We had a decision to make, either take the time and pack and ready ourselves so we can just head out after the mall, or... we could just go to the mall and come back and rush to get out the door. We decided to do the mall first, which was a lot of fun, and it only took us about 45 minutes to pack and leave.

We arrived after 10:30pm, Daughter crashed on the way out, and went straight to bed, oblivious to the world. Monster stayed awake the entire drive and fought going to sleep once getting to our destination. Daughter slept through all the screaming. The adults stayed up until about midnight, just unable to get MIL and Husband to stop talking.

I hit some depression only in the morning, I was busy doing thing the rest of the day. The only times I was left with nothing to do was on the ride out, and I fell asleep. Anxiety wasn't really an issue for the same reason.