Medications

Tuesday was a three star day
It feels like there is something I need to be doing, but I am pretty sure that there isn’t anything. I am used to making the drive from home-> school for Daughter -> to Auntie’s to drop off Monster-> errands -> blog-> nap -> everyone gets home. Having a nap in there may make it seem that I don’t accomplish much, and if you guessed that, you would be right about 60% of the time.

I have to fight and fight to stay awake all day, it is probably one of my medications, and the fact that I have sleeping issues. I had a sleep study done a little over a year ago, and they found some funky things, but couldn’t, but probably wouldn’t label it as anything. I have a very minor case of sleep apnea and my cycles are short where they should be long, and sometimes too long here and there. I was thought to have narcolepsy for a little while, but my test results didn’t have exactly the patterns, so they wouldn’t call it that. I am even taking Provigil, a med used for ADD/ADHD. It usually shows you down, but when you do not have ADD and such, it has the opposite effect. It isn’t addictive, little or no side effects, and is quick acting. I tried to cut down the dose by ½, since my psychiatrist thought that Provigil was causing my insomnia, but I could barely function; I was just too tired. Turns out, and as I was guessing all along, it was the new anti-depressant.

To battle the boredom of the day, I took the monster to the mall so I could get a little exercise while looking for a swimsuit and journal for school to be filled out each year with fun things to think about and keep a photo. I found a total of three, one would probably work, but it was $22, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend that much. I have a scrapbook with colors I picked out for Daughter to show her different activities and important moments, but I felt overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. I think I will use this to do the school years journal. It is pink and full of flowers and sparkles, but I think it will be fine. I may decide to just find a neutral color and decorate the outside in a way that won’t seem childish when she graduates from high school.

Tuesday I swam 3/5 of a mile, which is 1/8 more than I did yesterday. And yes, I am keeping track in as little of increments as I need to. I super want to know exactly how much I am swimming each day and use it as a marker to show my progress in increasing that number. I am still having problems with the breathing patterns and technique while in freestyle mode. I haven’t been doing as much as that as I am doing backstroke and kick boards. I even got out the pull buoys and used them while on my back, just trying to work the opposite muscles in my arms. I am getting a good work out with my legs, doing about 70% of my time on the kickboard.

I think the swimming is already improving my mood, as it is a great distraction from pretty much the entire world, giving me less time to dwell and be lazy at home. I have still been antsy and anxious, but it doesn’t linger, also there are new triggers that I can’t identify yet. I stopped taking the double dose of my anti-anxiety med (Perphenazine) since my monthly cycle is over and the hormones are back to “normal”. I may have to take one regularly in the afternoon, perhaps even take two when I wake up and see how that goes.

Wednesday was a two star day
All I did was run, run, run… all day. I barely had time to eat, and didn’t get my usual nap. I dropped off the kids as I usually do on Wednesdays, but was on a timed schedule to get to my doctor appointment. I was due to see my psychiatrist at 9:40, meaning I needed to leave Auntie’s by 9:00 or so. This meant that I had to drop off the girl about 8:40 to get there and back in time, but as usual, we were running late.

I did eventually get to the doctor’s, and on time. We went over my medications and decided that during the time leading up to my monthly cycle, and while I was having prolonged anxiety, I need a change. We are leaving the anti-depressants where they are and going to double the anti-anxiety med in the morning, and then take a second, scheduled dose later in the day. The doc wants to give the Lexapro more time before we decide to change it regarding anxiety and dips into the deeper depression.

My mom called me in the morning and we decided to meet at a fabric store in my area since she would be passing through and can never turn down a chance like that. I scurried there, and then met a friend for lunch. I barely got back home in time to pack a bag for Daughter (which I had completely forgotten she was going away for the weekend). I was stressed and frustrated I had all these things to do, and little time to do it. My in-laws and I decided to meet in the middle, and leave a 45 – 60 minute drive. They didn’t call me until it was time for them to leave to ask if we were still meeting at that certain time. Of course they ended up being late, and I was stuck in a car full of scream-y kids.

I was so tired by this point, and tried to recline and doze, but Daughter was bouncing around and riling up the baby. I had to keep telling her to be quiet and sit down nice so often, I was almost mad at her.

By the time I got home, I didn’t feel like doing much of anything, I didn’t even eat dinner, just some pretzel sticks. We watched the Olympics, me until 11pm (all recorded stuff) and then headed to bed. Husband took care of Monster and put him to bed, giving me some important down time.

My eating has been going up and down. Some days I just can’t get enough and others, like yesterday, I didn’t even get a full two meals. I am just guessing, but I think it has to do with the anti-depressant. I was put on the Lexapro generic, (I think) last fall or early winter. I was put on Wellbutrin at Thanksgiving, and that’s when the weight started falling off without even trying. Since then, I have been on several different anti-depressants that just didn’t work well enough for me. Lexapro is my old standby and my husband firmly believes I should have never been taken off it. Nothing works faster or (most likely) the best in helping both sides of the bipolar.

Sunday was a two star day
I had another volunteering job, this time for Target and with my sister. We were at Loring Park in Minneapolis, monitoring the Art Hop busses. As people got off, we counted how many there were and offered them a pamphlet. There were three art fairs going on Sunday, and this bus made a big circle, shuttling them between and to a park-n-ride. The time didn’t go by too slowly, it was nice to be able to sit and talk with Sister; we don’t do that too often.

Husband was grumpy, and he made a joke to me as I was leaving the art fair about neglecting my family, but I think he was partially serious. Earlier that morning, the house was still a mess from Saturday when hubby was home alone with the kids most of the day. In fact, it was horribly messy, he didn’t make one effort to keep things partially tidy. Sunday morning he was super serious with me and told me I had to clean, either right then or when I got home. There was no way he would let me off, and he was a jerk about it. I cleaned a bit before I left, and when I got home, the kitchen was done, but nothing else! It couldn’t have taken him more than twenty minutes to put away dishes and wipe off the counters. He doesn’t do floors, and he believes a lot of the things on the kitchen table are mine, so he just complains about it and never does anything. He also won’t do the living and dining room, that’s “my area” to clean, every single time.

When I got home, I got upset because he was upset. I made Daughter clean up her many, many puzzles and toys she brought downstairs, and then start on her room. She cried and screamed that she couldn’t do it herself, she needed help. I broke down the items to do into manageable chunks, but she still complained. It came down to either clean her room (the two simple tasks I asked her to do) or just go to her room and sit there, punished. She then screamed she didn’t want to do either choice and just cried, loudly. She also cried for Nana to help her, and she wanted to go back to Nana’s to clean there. She doesn’t like cleaning at our house.

As you can imagine, I got stressed and frustrated by the constant back and forth with Daughter, and the fact that everything was left for me to do downstairs. Husband disappeared to clean the loft after a bit. But basically that means cleaning his desk, straightening the couch cushions and bringing down the dishes. There is never any vacuuming or dusting or doing anything that involves things not belonging to him or not of his responsibility (loosely decided with his own judgment). I could go on and on about cleaning in this house. But it just makes me feel stressed about the gaps in what we think are whose responsibility and also how to split up the work.

Since I started back on the full dose of Provigil, Saturday, I hadn’t taken an afternoon nap. Husband would have allowed it both days, but I was trying to prove to myself that I could go without, especially because I didn’t feel as drained at those times. By the time I got home from the art fair, I was feeling just a little tired, and wanted some time to relax. Instead I came home to someone upset because he “took care of the children allllll weekend”. Poor baby, I do it all the time, this is another issue we battle on, like the cleaning.Then, he immediately pushed me into cleaning, and so we were all busy for about 2 ½ hours. This is when I was dealing with screaming Daughter, on my own, while Husband listening to his podcasts with big noise canceling headphones, unable to hear anything else. He then left with Daughter, leaving me to feed and put Monster to bed an hour after this point. At 8:00, I really didn’t care of the baby was tired enough to go to sleep, it was his usual getting ready for bed time. I tucked him in, and went to my room to relax and read a little, hoping that I would fall asleep about 9:00. Usually when I try to go to be early, I don’t lay down until 9 or 9:30, and then I do some crossword puzzles, and it is after 10:00 before I know it. I did fall asleep, and I was surprised that I slept all the way through; I had accidentally left my cell phone downstairs, so I didn’t have my alarm. Husband slept in (a-g-a-i-n) and woke me about the right time.

I am feeling all negative about Husband, but from how the weekend went, and his attitude, I don’t know if he deserves this bashing or not. He is usually helpful and understanding, and we just click together when this kind of stuff happens.

Friday was a two star day
It’s been quite a while since I dropped down the dose of my Provigil to half. My psychiatrist thought it may help with the insomnia I was having, but I think it was due to the new medication he had me on. Now that I am back to my old stand-by Lexapro, things are better in the sleeping area. I do get some anxiety about going to bed, but I am genuinely tired. Actually, I am tired every day, all day. I really can’t get through a day without a nap, and I do so every time my little monster goes down. I can sleep at any time and it doesn’t affect my ability to sleep through the night. It has happened several times where I sleep from 4-6:00pm and still get to bed at 10-11:00. It also makes it harder to take care of the kids when I am so drowsy. I am also fortunate that Daughter is now old enough to watch tv while Monster and I sleep. It’s never more than two hours, and she is so glued to it she barely notices. I just set out a snack and some juice and she is fine for the duration.

Monster was home with me all day on Friday. We didn’t pay Auntie for this week, instead waiting to start back on Monday after our vacation was over. It was hard and frustrating, and I had to take him to my therapist appointment with me. It is so distracting, and we didn’t get a whole lot discussed, it was mainly about Monster and how he is developing and I am coping with caring for him and his sister. She thinks I am doing a good job, my kids are both thriving and on track on the development scale. I guess doing what I am, being consistent with how our home-life is structured and discipline.

It is hard for me to believe that I am doing so well that I get compliments about it. I hear from many people about how good of a mother I am, but I shrug it off. I always feel like I am struggling to care for them and give them what they need.

I went through some anxiety on Friday, but not a lot of the deep depression spells. I don’t know if that is progress or not since I feel overall a little better than I did two weeks ago, now that I am off the Disiprimine. My issues have just shifted as what is dominant. The same things are triggering me, but I was also on vacation from the busyness of the real word for almost have of this time, so there was a lower frequency of occurrences.

Tuesday was a one star day
Wednesday was a two star day
Tuesday feels so long ago. I’ve been falling down on the job, and just can’t get my blog written first thing in the morning. There is always something interfering, either the kids wake up early, or there is some email or other thing that takes my attention, and it just drifts away. I always think ‘hey, I can write just after I do this…”

I have tried to do this timing, of writing about each day at the end of the day, but I slipped back. Already, I am feeling the desire to give up blogging for the day, and just let it pass. I am feeling anxious and depressed and just want some quiet time to myself.

Tuesday I slept the afternoon away, again, but not until after my guests left. I had some friends over for coffee and to let the kids play. The baby has been sleeping for at least 2 ½ hours and sometimes a little over three. This is great because that means I get to sleep for almost that long too.

The evening was horrible, I had nothing but anxiety and panic attacks. I couldn’t watch American Gladiators without crying, and I was in such a state that I don’t remember a lot. I actually ended up in my bedroom bawling about nothing. Husband tried to calm me with playing cards, which usually helps, but I refused. We sat and talked for a while, but it just turned out to him lecturing me and telling me how I should handle things. It only helped a little, and the rest of the time I think I resented the fact that he seemed to know what was best for me, and how I should run my life.

Right now (Wednesday night) just looking at the kids, and listening to their noises is driving me mad, and I feel the need to escape. I was able to get a good nap in today, but I just feel all over the place. I saw my psychiatrist today, and the appointment went pretty well, I requested to be put back on Lexapro, an antidepressant that has worked well, and quickly in the past. It was the first drug that seriously helped me in those first six months of hospital stays and ECT. It was so effective, that when we got a dog to help me as sort of a therapy dog, we named him “Lex”. We also talked about the Vagus Nerve Stimulation treatment. He thinks I may qualify for the study going on at the University of MN. As of now, regular ol’ medical insurance companies are not covering these costs, so if I want one, I need to be in a medical study to get it paid for. Otherwise, it’s like $30,000.

I talked briefly with Husband about this, and he thinks that if I can’t get in here, there are other possibilities. This includes flying back and forth to another state to get this treatment. It would be worth any effort we put forth.

Right now I am too distracted, and every little thing is annoying.

Monday was a one star day
The entire day was a struggle to do even the simple things. Husband left late for work, so took Daughter to school, but that left me with Monster until about 9am. In just the hour or so I had him with me, I became frustrated and panicked. Once home, I worked on the computer for an hour or so, and became tired and wanted to take a short nap. I set the alarm for the absolutely latest I could sleep. I was surprised when I woke up to the alarm, meaning I slept 3 to 3 ½ hours. This made me feel that I wasted my day sleeping, and felt really bad and depressed about it.

I needed to pick up Monster, since Husband would be coming home late, and so now I would be home alone with him for 1 ½ hours. Again, the panic and frustration came back. I was almost paralyzed, not knowing what to do with him, on top of that, I don’t think he was feeling well, and was extra crabby, further affecting my mood.

I think I am having hallucinations, and they are somewhat frequent. I hear footsteps on the stairs mostly, things getting bumped around, the baby crying out, and sometimes voices that are very low and I can’t make out what they are saying. I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday, and will have to bring this up. My list of things is going longer. With the raging anxiety, deep, sudden dips into depression, insomnia and hallucinations lasting this entire time I have been on this new med Disiprimine. I hope he will switch me to something else, but of course that brings a whole new list of issues until the med is in my system. I don’t know that the Disiprimine is working that well, it has been two weeks now and I am miserable in different ways, meaning the anxiety is worse than the depression. I don’t know what else can be tried.

I have been on several SSRI anti-depressants and now a Tri-cyclic. There is one other kind, MAOI,  which can be a very dangerous med to take. There are a lot of severe interactions with other medications and common foods like cheese, yeast and certain meats. From my layman’s point of view, I don’t think this type would work with my current set of medications; it would need a lot of tricks to move everything around so that I could take them. Just thinking about having to change everything else scares me. Its taken years to find something that works as well as it is, I don’t want to mess with it. Even though there are problems, a lot of things are still under control right now. I will be bringing up the Vagus Nerve Stimulation treatment, and will try to ask lots of questions and maybe try to push for it. I definitely won’t go back to ECT.

Husband has some side work he is falling behind on, and I could tell that he was upset by the fact he had to watch the kids instead of me. He wants/needs all sorts of time to work on this, as it needs to be launched very, very soon. I just couldn’t handle it last night. Husband took the kids to the park and I stayed home to mope and get some quiet time. It took quite a while to get things in order for me; I pretty much ignored the computer last night, a rare occurrence.

I got tied up in watching “Hell Boy” (the first one) and then flipped around and somehow, I got involved with watching “The Girls Next Door”. It is a reality show about the playboy bunnies living with Hugh Hefner. I don’t know what he calls them, but there are three that are like his favorites and treat them like his wives. I really enjoyed the show, and even watched two of them before one of my favorite E! shows was on, The Soup. I didn’t have to care for the kids other than changing a diaper and putting the baby into bed. It took a whole two minutes, while Husband watched and entertained them, and put the difficult one, Daughter, to bed. I appreciate it, but I can’t make it up to him. I just can’t care for the kids on my own now.