Kids

The Girl got her ears pierced yesterday! She was so brave, no crying, no pulling away, no giving up after the first one. I was very proud, and she is too. She loves them and talks about them constantly. She keeps asking if they are pretty. They are just plain ol' silver balls, but that doesn't matter to her!

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Wednesday was a      day
Anxiety Range: 2-4
Depression Range: 2-4
Impulses: 3
Activity Level: 2
Light Time: 1 hr

It was a very stressful morning. Daughter was having hip pain Tuesday, which progressed into being unable to walk by Wednesday morning. Husband took her to Urgent Care to get an x-ray and exam. They thought she had broken her femur just below her hip, and sent them off to Childrens Hospital in St. Paul. I was very concerned and made arrangements for my grandma to watch Monster while I went to the ER there to offer my support.

Right away a doctor was on top of things, she viewed the x-ray that was taken at Urgent Care and threw out the diagnosis right away. Besides, fractures in this area is very, very uncommon in children. They had to take a blood sample, and I immediately knew it would involve a couple people holding her down and lots of screaming. They decided to put in an IV, which was probably a good thing, it would be easier to draw the blood. They taped her hand and wrist to a board to keep her from bending. The nurse held that arm while putting in the IV, a medical assistant laid across her body keeping her middle from moving, Husband held down her legs and I grabbed the other arm and her head so she couldn't look at what was going on. That was one little scared girl, even the nurse was put aback at the intensity of her initial screams. The ended up having to tape a washcloth over her entire hand and wrist so she couldn't see it. About every five minutes she asked for it to be removed.

There was a second x-ray done to compare both hips at the same time to look for swelling or displacement. The blood results came back with a diagnosis of infection. It could have been from a cold or cut or something that got infected and got into the blood stream, and for some reason stopped there. There is no treatment, just waiting for it to go away on its own, which is supposed to be just a few days.

Keeping a five yr old from wanting to bounce around and play was difficult, and I ended up giving up on a lot of things. By the end of the night, she didn't seem to be in a lot of discomfort, but did have some pain here and there. Husband was convinced that she should go to school Thursday, but I thought it may be too much walking and there is also a high likelihood of her over-exerting herself on the playground and aggravating the situation. We have an appointment Thursday at 2:00 with her normal doctor, but now (Thursday morning) it almost seems like she could skip this and be just fine. There are small risks of becoming septic or spreading and other things, but those are things we just have to watch for by noticing increased pain, fever and things like that.

I don't know if it was the stress of the morning or the fact that I did not get in any exercise, but my depression was at a lower level and I was feeling anxious all evening. Having lower esteem for the day, led to compulsive eating. That bucket of ice cream in the freezer just calls and calls for me.

Monday was a      day
The day started with a horribly active and loud baby. The whole morning he would not let me be, On top of that, he was on top of everything that would make him more than 3 inches higher. It was a challenge to say the least. I thought I was being clever, and gave him a medium sized cardboard box to play with. Usually, something like this would keep him occupied for quite a while. Instead, he played inside it for about five minutes, pushed it across the room twice and then left it be. He did not want to play with his toys, and was grabbing just about anything that wasn't glued down and would fit in his little hand. I could go on and on about all the things he did, but that would probably make me frustrated again.

Finally, it was nap time, he really wasn't showing signs of being tired other than screeching and throwing mini fits, but that was how he had been acting all morning up until then. By this time I was all worked up and not feeling like I could settle down to sleep myself, but I tried anyways. I forgot to set an alarm again, and the girl was waiting outside the door for about five minutes. Luckily Monster had woken up and he had woken me; the doorbell just doesn't do the trick.

After Daughter got home, and Monster was awake, I went back into depressed, anxious and angry mode. I needed to get out of the house before something happened. Husband suggested to go to the “Y”, as usual, but I was in such a state I didn't think that I would be able to settle enough to do anything. Instead, I called my mom, who was already on her way home from work. I decided to take the kids and go see her. The car ride was mostly calm, except for Daughter's usual habit of singing and talking nonsense. Thank goodness for grandmas. We were invited to stay for dinner, which consisted of homemade turkey noodle soup and homemade bread, which were absolutely yummy as usual.

Husband took the kids home and I stayed a bit for the chance to be away from the kids for a little while. The  plan was for me to go home, change clothes and head to the “Y” to relax (which to me, sounds impossible, how can one exercise and get pepped up and sweaty while you mind clears and settles?). All the way home, my thoughts were back into the depressed, anxious mode, but this time I was also having thoughts about hurting myself. I was feeling so disconnected and out of place I didn't know what was going on. On the way home I kept trying to think of somewhere I could go instead of home, even though it would be a short stop. I had decided against the “Y” because of my mental state. I couldn't think of a thing to do, so I just drove home. When I got there, I couldn't get myself to get out of the car. I sat there for over half an hour stewing and being depressed and talking negatively to myself. Eventually, I called Husband and asked him to come outside and make me get out of the car.

We had a long talk about how I was feeling and then plans on how to stay sane while home alone with Monster. I almost became optimistic about the next day, the plan involved things I would almost never do, but at least now I know of an option to help things go better.

Thursday was a     day

Thursday, I felt motivated, and planned to go to the “Y”; this time, not to swim, but to go to a step aerobic class. I was a little concerned that the class is one hour long, but felt I needed to at least try it. Turns out it was too strenuous and I needed to be a whole lot more coordinated to do the routine. I lasted about 15 minutes before I just got up and walked out the door without looking back. I don’t think I will ever try that class again. For a whole workout, I did some free weights and then crunches and work on the exercise ball. I was moving for about ½ hour, and felt good about myself.

Daughter had her conferences for school, and Husband even came home early for this. The teacher had absolutely only good things to say about her, and Teacher said she loves having Daughter in her class, she is a joy, and has a big heart. We were so proud of her, we gave her the pick of where we went to dinner (Chinese) and to go get ice cream instead of going to MOA to do some rides. I was surprised at the ice cream pick, but also a bit relieved; it would make for a long evening and interrupt bed time rituals and timing.

I was given the OK to escape upstairs, and finished the last episode of Heroes season one. Friday I will start season two by the end of the weekend, and I hope to watch next week’s episode on time along side Husband.

There wasn’t a whole lot of time to feel depressed or anxious between the “Y”, napping, conferences and dinner, then tv. Overall, it was a pretty manageable day.

Monday was a three star day
This is the day my little girl went off to start kindergarten. She was pout-y and clingy, because of the fear of the unknown. I felt bad letting her go when she was feeling like this. Husband stayed home to help out with this big day. He helped get Monster fed and dresses, and made sure Daughter had her backpack in a conspicuous place. Husband then drove to the school and waited for her bus to arrive so he could help her find her classroom. The school was chaos with hardly anyone to help the kids find their way, and Husband was glad he was there.

My plans were to go straight to the YMCA to do my swimming, but I couldn’t find my goggles and nose plug. I went to Walgreen’s on my way, but they didn’t have anything. They suggested a sports store I had forgotten about, but again, nothing. I went to Target, drove up and down Hwy. 13 in Burnsville looking for a specific place, a little store in a strip mall, and then Play It Again Sports. By then it was almost noon! The wonderful people at Play It Again reminded me that there was a swim school very close by, and I headed there. They didn’t have everything, of course, but their supplier was just across the street. Oh how happy I was to have finally arrived at this overly helpful and complete destination.

I bought my things and headed for the YMCA, and was just changed and ready to get into the pool when my cell phone rang. It was my mom who happened to be in the area and wanted to stop for lunch somewhere. I changed back to my street clothes and met her at Old Piper Inn. By the time we were done, I only had an hour until Daughter got off the bus. This left me with the only option of doing my swimming that evening.

Getting back to swimming was a little more difficult than I thought it would be, it has been almost 15 years since the high school swim team. Just getting the breathing down is hard, and I am having a problem trusting my nose plug. I can go about one 25 meter length, and then most time have a short rest before I go again (sometimes to catch my breath, and others because I was tired). I did some backstroke, my favorite, and used the flip boards for about ten lengths. I got a really good workout in just 20 minutes. I also joined the 100 mile club, something I will probably take a year to complete, but it gives me something to work for besides just loosing weight. I will also get a free t-shirt announcing my accomplishment when I am done; it’s a minor incentive, but one none the less.

I am excited for these new changes. I think that since the whole kindergarten thing is starting at the same time, it will be easier to break into new routines in other areas of my life. Depression didn’t cause any issues, but there was some anxiety here and there.

Sunday was a two star day
I know I am getting this out a day late, but Monday was a go-go-go day, and I barely sat down until about 6pm. My in-laws that come into town for the big fireworks show weren’t leaving until this morning since it ran so late. I was super tired, and actually took two naps. I took a longer one in the morning, and then at about 4pm for like ½ hour.

I decided to seriously loose weight on Sunday, and have made agreements for rewards for accomplishments. If I work out every day this week, I get to go out to dinner at the restaurant of my choice. I have also started taking Dexatrim to give me a little help. I actually started on Saturday, and it seemed to work, so I will continue for now. My preferred methods of exercise will be swimming, and then walking. If those can not be done, I will do some of the classes at the YMCA and ride the stationary bike.

I got the usual Sunday night depression, and it was in some ways worse than it has been in other weeks. Something that was probably adding to all this was the fact that my daughter was starting kindergarten the next morning. Daughter has been stressed about it, and keeps saying that she is scared. I’m sure once she gets there and meets some kids, she will better. She just doesn’t like going into something new not knowing anyone at all, and I don’t blame her for it. It won’t be long until she is the usual social butterfly that she usually is.

My day was up and down, and being tired increases the frequency and depth of the depression side. At times, I was also feeling anxious. When I'm like this, I just give into the sleepiness and hope things are better when I awake.

Wednesday was a two star day
Since it is now Thursday night, and I have missed blogging while this day is fresh in my mind, it will be another short post. I spent most of the day alone since the kids were at school and Auntie’s house.

It was the last day Daughter would go to her preschool/daycare, and the day of her kindergarten open house. There are some big, big changes I her life, and she is feeling the stress. She has been clingy and whiny and overall not her usual self. This just puts more stress on me, and Monster is still sick, so it’s been a hard week or two. I had to buy the rest of Daughter’s school supplies, pick up Monster and drop him off within a small window, but got it all done.

I started feeling some paranoia, just out of nowhere. I was afraid for my safety, my kids and the car. I kept looking over my shoulder, locked the car multiple times to be sure, and things like that. When it got to its peak, it was fortunate I was just about home and had time for a nap.

The open house was nice; we met the teacher and got to know her new room, then Daughter happened to meet her locker mate. Daughter got nervous and scared while there, which made me feel worse. I started to get emotional just walking around and seeing the other kids there. My baby is starting school, and I don’t know that I am ready for it. Up until now, I thought I was, but now I just don’t think I’ll make it through Monday morning without some tears.

Overall, I felt pretty good, but there were bouts of deep depression. For some reason, this has been coming back and the anxiety is getting more in check. I guess that is just the ups and downs of bipolar. Having something to focus on with errands or while finding specific information we needed for school helps keep my mind off things.

I made this video on Monday (8/18) morning. It is of my lil Monster giving a cat a ride in the babydoll stroller. This is not a one time thing, they do this at least once every day

Sunday was a two star day 
Things are still feeling good! I was able to drive home from the in-laws house without being drowsy. I was afraid I would get tired staring at the road for almost two hours. Daughter stayed awake, without a movie to watch, and we talked a lot of the way. We talked about money and the presidents that were on the money. We also talked about the order of the first few presidents. Daughter has been learning a lot about money at school, and she has these puzzle piece flashcards that match the number and pictures of the coins.

Monster also stayed awake, but wasn’t happy. It was his nap time, but he just didn’t sleep. He whined about being hungry and thirsty a lot. I am glad he is learning sign language so we can figure out exactly what he wants first try. He knows how to sign “milk”, “all done” (but rarely) and now “eat”. We need to work on “eat” because he uses it for both food and drink. I am still happy about it though, it gives enough of a clue.

As I was nearing home, depression started in. By the time I was in the house, I was feeling pretty badly. I was moping and trying to ignore the world with a little Guitar Hero 3. The rest of the evening was a low-grade depression. I watched some TV with the family, and once it was getting to bed time, everyone went upstairs while I vegged out on the couch downstairs. I also had to cook dinner for myself and the kids, Husband announced that he would not be cooking, or eating any of what I was going to make. This is a stress, I almost never do the cooking.

I ended the day with a nice, long shower and hoped for a better tomorrow.