Exercise

Monday was a      day
Anxiety Range: 1-3
Depression Range: 1-3
Impulses: 4
Activity Level: 4
Light Time: 1 hr

MOMS Club arranged to go to the local nursing home so that our kids could trick-or-treat from the various residents. It is a big deal to them, and the kids have fun, so it's a win-win situation. I dressed Monster in his little scrubs, grabbed the play doctor kit and headed out the door. Of course when we first got there Monster started his whiny/shy/scared fit. He didn't want to be out of my arms, but warmed up when it was time to make the rounds. He listened as well as a 1yr old can, and charmed all the nurses and residents. Everyone had a smile on their face when they saw the little doctor coming their way. We even got some extra candy because he was so cute.

I stopped home to change and the two of us went to the “Y” for a little workout. As of now I will not get any free child care because of my membership. It's a free/severely discounted account which doesn't include a lot of services, I even can't use all of the YMCA locations. I rode the bike to warm up, did my weight circuit and then walked ½ mile. I don't know that I got in enough steps to make my goal, but I wasn't done right then. After dinner, I went to that Salsa dancing class again, which is a workout in itself.

Monster and I napped for about two hours that afternoon until Husband got home. After pilates on Sunday, my workout Monday morning and then Salsa, my muscles were aching. Ya know how usually you start to feel the aches the next morning, I didn't get that, I was instantly sore which made me concerned as to how sore I would be the next day.

Monday I had a problem with eating, putting all sorts of cookies and candy into my mouth. I am not going to loose any weight if I keep doing this; I replace all those calories burned, plus some each day. It would probably help if Husband would stop buying all these tempting foods.

Looking at myself in the mirrors at dance class made me feel sick again. I need a more serious and strict exercise and diet program if I truly want to loose this weight. I have 35 pounds to go before I reach my pre-Monster pregnancy weight, and then probably another 40 to get back to pre-Daughter weight. Right now my focus is just on those first 35. You have to take it in steps, right?

My anxiety and depression levels were very manageable, I kept too busy for anything to kick in. Except for that glimpse of myself in the mirror, my self-esteem was also doing well.

Sunday was a       day
Anxiety Range: 1-4
Depression Range: 1-3
Impulses: 2
Activity Level: 4
Light TIme: 1 hr

Soon after waking up, the anxiety started and climbed and climbed; I was depressed at the same time too. Husband suggested I go to the “Y” since I hadn't been in a few days, and he seems to notice that I feel better when I do make it there. I agreed to try it, but prepared for the workout to be restricted to two hours, the limit I can leave the kids in the daycare center. Husband decided to let me go without the kids, but we made a trade, I would have to stop at Target on the way home to do some grocery shopping.

I had a pretty good workout, I rode the bike for 15 minutes or so, completing almost 2 ½ miles after realizing there was a pilates class I would like to try 45 minutes or so from then. To fill up the time without tiring myself too badly, I got on the tread mill for ½ hour, walking a little over a mile. I walked into the pilates class knowing absolutely nothing about it, and just copied everyone else as they were getting set up. The entire class was done sitting, kneeling or laying on a mat, and we used a ring to help hold out our limbs uniformly and to add resistance while doing it so it would engage more muscles. I guess there are many different tools you can use with pilates, but I am a complete n00b when it comes to this. My yoga experience helped a bit with being able to remember how to hold certain poses that are also used with pilates. Unfortunately, there were few yoga poses used, leaving me in the dark the rest of the class.

While in class, it started snowing! Snowing, on October 26th! The wind had been blowing hard all day, and this just made the snow blow harder and harder and sometimes even sideways. I called Husband when I was leaving to ask if I could get out of going to Target on my trip home. I wasn't even wearing proper pants, just some knit capri exercise pants, and froze just walking to my car. I didn't want to think about standing in the wind and cold trying to load groceries into the car.

The exercise did help my mood and made for a better afternoon. The whole day I felt like it was much later than it was. Maybe because I got up and started being active so early in the day, or because the weather was extra dreary. After the workout, my depression and anxiety were minimal until about 8:00pm. I was tired, the kids were still awake and noisy; I just wanted to go to bed. Instead, Husband just about forced me into watching some tv and I was awake until almost 11:00 when I would have been happy to get into bed at 9:15.

Wednesday was a      day
It was a crazy, busy day; I was running all over town with the Monster while the girl was at school and Husband worked from home. The day started with a playdate at a friend’s house, off to the “Y” and then four different places to stop, and lunch mixed in there somewhere.

I met with a personal trainer and set up the fitlinxx program. I now have a set circuit, all the settings have been determined, and now all I have to do it punch in my 5-digit number and it will tell me all I need to do to complete the set, and keep track of it all. It’s a pretty cool system; it will even track your cardio. I can even log in from home and punch in my walking/biking/whatever I do at home. Each activity earns you points, and the “Y” rewards people for their efforts with prizes at certain levels. It makes you really feel like you are accomplishing something, besides the physical tiredness and aches of course. In the mini workout I did, testing the weights to get them set right, I lifted 1390 lbs! That was from about three reps of each machine! Wow! I set my goals of cardio 4xs a week, and weights 3xs a week, and when the trainer reviews the numbers each week, they can tell who isn’t making it.

After all this running, I crashed hard and slept until almost 4:00. I even slept longer than Monster!

The Twin Cities ColdFusion User Group met Wednesday night, and this was my first meeting. I really don’t feel like I am a “user” but Husband encouraged me to go. He was making one of the presentations, about security in your applications. I was able to follow the topic, and understood just about all he was saying, the problem is that I have absolutely no idea of how to implement these things, or even create something that would need to consider these things.

Monday was a    day
The kids were quiet for the most part, but I still started to get an anxiety attack. I called Husband, and after about ten minutes, I finally agreed that I should go to the “Y” to have some peace and get my daily work out.

When we finally got there, four lanes of lap swim were open, but each of them had one or two people in them, so I opted for another walk. I have officially decided that I will not use the track because of the pain it causes me on long walks from the corners and sloping. I hopped on the tread mill and combined with the little time I was on the actual track I walked for 45 minutes. I hit the pool next, hoping to get in some treading water in the deeper part of the leisure pool. It wasn’t until I got in that I discovered it wasn’t deep enough for my legs to hang down completely. Instead, I used my arms only and kept my legs in a sitting position and leaned back. I hit the hot tub after almost 10 minutes and then went for my shower.

I am getting more and more unhappy with the child care at the “Y”. This time, even though I told them I didn’t want Monster to go outside, they brought him out there. Also, just as I was getting into the shower, and starting to lean forward to get my  hair wet, I heard my name on the PA system telling me to come back to child care. In my mind I tried to stay calm, I knew that either one of them got hurt, or more likely, Monster needed a diaper change. When I got there, the big emergency was that Daughter split her pants and was feeling embarrassed. She had gotten over it and went back to playing by the time I got there; this was obviously something that could have waited, if they looked at the sign-in sheet, they would have seen that I estimated I would pick-up ten minutes from then. UGH!

After nap time and dinner, Husband had a video conference meeting, and I agreed two days ago that I would take the kids somewhere so that there wouldn’t be any distractions. I went over to SIL’s house and visited there. SIL took Daughter to the park while BIL, Monster and I watched some TV and made fun of the cat who was being annoyed by Monster.

The “Y” helped calm the anxiety, and I am starting to feel more comfortable being there; for some reason I get embarrassed and feel out of place. Exercise is supposed to be a distraction, but I end up just thinking and dwelling on the bad thoughts while walking and since my mind needs something to think about. Physically, it does make me feel good, I am so unhappy with the way I look, and these workouts make me feel like I am making progress to get to a better shape.

When I got home from SIL’s I fell into the couch, exhausted physically from working out and mentally from dealing with the kids all day. Immediately, Husband took control, popped in some Heroes for me, and took the kids upstairs so he could take care of them the rest of the night.

Heroes is supposed to be a great show, but I am feeling that it is only good, but entertaining, but I could take it or leave it. There are lots of plot twists and secrets revealed every episode,and too many sides of the story to follow considering there are four big ones, with multiple aspects for each, I am so confused with what is happening now and in the past. There are two characters that can time travel, and it is just too much. If I could follow along better, I may be into the show even more.

I was up really, really late, as was Daughter. The both of us prolly didn’t fall asleep until just after 11:30! She has been very stressed about going to bed lately and has climbed into bed with us almost every night for the last week. She is afraid of the dark, being alone, and makes all sorts of excuses to get out of bed. She comes up with things like being hungry again, thirsty, need to use the bathroom and others.

Tuesday morning, I was still able to get up somewhat easily after a couple snoozes, staying slightly awake between all of them.

Tuesday was a    day
I had big plans for Tuesday. After The Girl was on the bus, Monster and I would go to the park with some friends to go for a walk, after that, straight to the YMCA to do a good workout (since the walk is more like a stroll anyways), then home for lunch and putting Monster to bed. From there, both of us would take a nap, and I would wake up by 3:00 to open the door for The Girl when she got home. I also had plans to make dinner myself (a rare occurrence)..

Turns out that no one showed for a walk at the park, but another friend showed up coincidentally and we sat and talked for an hour or so. I met her in MOMS Club, but now I find that she is quitting the group. I didn’t get the exact reason from her, but I think it may have to be with the long-standing members and their closeness, but not towards newer members. I have been with them for over 1 ½ years, and I feel the same way, in fact, I almost quit when my membership was ready to be renewed.

After the visit with my friend, I headed towards the gym, but started feeling weird and anxious. It was a very different feeling than usual, and I am almost 100% sure it came on because I didn’t completely want to go work out. I called Husband and met him for lunch downtown, and felt a whole lot better by the time I left. I have been feeling overwhelmed about the big, looming feeling that my working out is not up to a normal level. I see all these other people going full blast, while I walk a 10 minute mile and stop to rest every 25 meters in the pool. I think I may be feeling embarrassed.

Daughter has been asking us to play video games we haven’t seen in months, and I think it’s a good thing. Now, we are actually getting some use out of our Wii, bonding as a family, and I use it as a distraction from the craziness and stress in general. Tuesday night, we all took turns and played Rayman (I’m not sure what version) and then finished our game (all three of us) on Mario Party. When Husband turned off the system while I was in another room, I was peeved; I wanted to play more Rayman while I could. Instead, I went for a quieter approach and played a hide and seek game on my laptop. I finished up around 10pm, and then went to spend some time with quiet time with my Husband since the kids were sleeping and we had an uninterrupted block of time.

Overall, the stress and anxiety is maintaining that lower level, keeping me at a constant low level of anxiety with spikes here and there. The spikes hit hard when they come, and I don’t know how to counteract them. I will be starting to get together my first aid kit for anxiety attacks, ready. My therapist recommended I find a box and put things into it that will help me calm and focus. Things like flashcards with affirmations, smells, list of things I can do to help and stuff like that. I have the perfect box, I don’t know why I haven’t started yet.

Tuesday was a three star day
It feels like there is something I need to be doing, but I am pretty sure that there isn’t anything. I am used to making the drive from home-> school for Daughter -> to Auntie’s to drop off Monster-> errands -> blog-> nap -> everyone gets home. Having a nap in there may make it seem that I don’t accomplish much, and if you guessed that, you would be right about 60% of the time.

I have to fight and fight to stay awake all day, it is probably one of my medications, and the fact that I have sleeping issues. I had a sleep study done a little over a year ago, and they found some funky things, but couldn’t, but probably wouldn’t label it as anything. I have a very minor case of sleep apnea and my cycles are short where they should be long, and sometimes too long here and there. I was thought to have narcolepsy for a little while, but my test results didn’t have exactly the patterns, so they wouldn’t call it that. I am even taking Provigil, a med used for ADD/ADHD. It usually shows you down, but when you do not have ADD and such, it has the opposite effect. It isn’t addictive, little or no side effects, and is quick acting. I tried to cut down the dose by ½, since my psychiatrist thought that Provigil was causing my insomnia, but I could barely function; I was just too tired. Turns out, and as I was guessing all along, it was the new anti-depressant.

To battle the boredom of the day, I took the monster to the mall so I could get a little exercise while looking for a swimsuit and journal for school to be filled out each year with fun things to think about and keep a photo. I found a total of three, one would probably work, but it was $22, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend that much. I have a scrapbook with colors I picked out for Daughter to show her different activities and important moments, but I felt overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. I think I will use this to do the school years journal. It is pink and full of flowers and sparkles, but I think it will be fine. I may decide to just find a neutral color and decorate the outside in a way that won’t seem childish when she graduates from high school.

Tuesday I swam 3/5 of a mile, which is 1/8 more than I did yesterday. And yes, I am keeping track in as little of increments as I need to. I super want to know exactly how much I am swimming each day and use it as a marker to show my progress in increasing that number. I am still having problems with the breathing patterns and technique while in freestyle mode. I haven’t been doing as much as that as I am doing backstroke and kick boards. I even got out the pull buoys and used them while on my back, just trying to work the opposite muscles in my arms. I am getting a good work out with my legs, doing about 70% of my time on the kickboard.

I think the swimming is already improving my mood, as it is a great distraction from pretty much the entire world, giving me less time to dwell and be lazy at home. I have still been antsy and anxious, but it doesn’t linger, also there are new triggers that I can’t identify yet. I stopped taking the double dose of my anti-anxiety med (Perphenazine) since my monthly cycle is over and the hormones are back to “normal”. I may have to take one regularly in the afternoon, perhaps even take two when I wake up and see how that goes.

Monday was a three star day
This is the day my little girl went off to start kindergarten. She was pout-y and clingy, because of the fear of the unknown. I felt bad letting her go when she was feeling like this. Husband stayed home to help out with this big day. He helped get Monster fed and dresses, and made sure Daughter had her backpack in a conspicuous place. Husband then drove to the school and waited for her bus to arrive so he could help her find her classroom. The school was chaos with hardly anyone to help the kids find their way, and Husband was glad he was there.

My plans were to go straight to the YMCA to do my swimming, but I couldn’t find my goggles and nose plug. I went to Walgreen’s on my way, but they didn’t have anything. They suggested a sports store I had forgotten about, but again, nothing. I went to Target, drove up and down Hwy. 13 in Burnsville looking for a specific place, a little store in a strip mall, and then Play It Again Sports. By then it was almost noon! The wonderful people at Play It Again reminded me that there was a swim school very close by, and I headed there. They didn’t have everything, of course, but their supplier was just across the street. Oh how happy I was to have finally arrived at this overly helpful and complete destination.

I bought my things and headed for the YMCA, and was just changed and ready to get into the pool when my cell phone rang. It was my mom who happened to be in the area and wanted to stop for lunch somewhere. I changed back to my street clothes and met her at Old Piper Inn. By the time we were done, I only had an hour until Daughter got off the bus. This left me with the only option of doing my swimming that evening.

Getting back to swimming was a little more difficult than I thought it would be, it has been almost 15 years since the high school swim team. Just getting the breathing down is hard, and I am having a problem trusting my nose plug. I can go about one 25 meter length, and then most time have a short rest before I go again (sometimes to catch my breath, and others because I was tired). I did some backstroke, my favorite, and used the flip boards for about ten lengths. I got a really good workout in just 20 minutes. I also joined the 100 mile club, something I will probably take a year to complete, but it gives me something to work for besides just loosing weight. I will also get a free t-shirt announcing my accomplishment when I am done; it’s a minor incentive, but one none the less.

I am excited for these new changes. I think that since the whole kindergarten thing is starting at the same time, it will be easier to break into new routines in other areas of my life. Depression didn’t cause any issues, but there was some anxiety here and there.