Anxiety

Tuesday was a      day
I don't think Tuesday could have been any worse. I started off the day with severe anxiety, antsy feelings, disconnected from what I was doing and anger towards the noise and chaos the baby was making. I tried to chat with Husband, but he didn't respond well, which threw me into a huge fit and I refused to talk to him about any of my feelings or respond to his questions about whether or not I was safe from hurting myself or the baby. I would just repeat “I don't want to talk about it” and told Husband “I'm fine, I want to be left alone” and “I just need to rest”. I ignored his phone calls, and eventually logged out of chat effectively cutting off all communication with him. Husband came home from work.

Husband says I was being mean and inconsiderate towards him, but I just didn't see how this affected him so deeply while all that was going on. I tried to nap all afternoon, but I just couldn't relax. My brain was on overdrive and I put in a call to my doctor. I am now taking Perphenazine three times ago, at the maximum dose possible, and reducing my Lexapro (anti-depressant) back down to where it was two or so weeks ago. It almost feels like I am back in the manic world, but in weird ways, some of the typical signs are there, but there are also more things contributing to this.

After a small dinner and procrastinating, I made it to the “Y” for a workout. I ended up just walking 3 miles, and watching the Presidential debate made the time fly by. I could have gone for more, but I wanted to get home. I didn't get to the gym until about 7:45, meaning that with the hour of walking, I didn't get out of there until about 9:30pm. I also had to stop at the store to buy some brunch items since I am having people over Wednesday morning for the new playgroup we have just started. There are five moms and their little ones including to me, and up to three of them may be showing up, but I forgot to send out an email earlier to confirm, so no idea if anyone will show up at all.

I have decided that going so late in the evening is not a good idea. I didn't get into bed until about 11:30, which is when I have hopefully been asleep for ½ hour. With me unable to unwind, I'm sure that I didn't fall asleep until well after 12:15. Husband and I had a talk about how my behavior is affecting the family and how he was very upset by my actions that morning. We apologized to each other, but there are lots of little things that need to be worked on.

It is now Saturday afternoon, and yeah, I know I missed Thursday, and, as usual, now that is it two days later, I can’t remember much of what went on. Thursday, Husband stayed home to telecommute, and Friday I had a complete melt-down/ anxiety attack/ worst incidence in months.

I have been having issues with anxiety every day for at least the last week or two, and at least now, comparing myself to Friday, I’m not doing too badly. Thursday I didn’t do that well either, and Husband ended up not being able to work much after lunch.

My “melt-down” was a pretty severe incidence. I was on the phone with Husband, sobbing and yelling and feeling out of control, while he was trying to reason with me. All I could do was get mad at him for not talking to me in the right way, never mind that even I didn’t know what the right way would have been. By the end of the phone call, Jason was arguing and trying to tell me that he was coming home, I was yelling that I did not want him to come home, and I could deal myself. Eventually I got to a point where I told him I wanted him to come home, but it was only giving into a sort of threat. We argued that I was unable to care for Monster, and I couldn’t just pull it together and do my mommy duties. If I did anything undesirable, Husband said he would not be able to trust me with him again, and he would go to full-time daycare.

This situation got even worse than probably as bad as I have gotten in two years when I was admitted to the hospital October 2006. The anger I was feeling moved into physical actions, I kicked the table, almost threw a picture frame onto the floor, and ended up sitting against a wall, banging the back of my head on it. I actually hurt myself, and head is still tender.

I had my therapist appointment that afternoon, and of course, wanted to cancel, I just wanted to be alone. Instead, I brought Husband and Monster along for support. It was a pretty productive session, and felt at least a little bit of hope, and an idea for a new tool to use while in these anxiety states.

The house is a complete disaster, you can’t find an open spot on the counter in the kitchen, toys are spread out all over the downstairs, the dining room table is covered with both laptops, mail, and has become a drop-off spot for anything and everything. I also hadn’t swept in two days, so there was a build up of crumbs and sand from Daughter’s shoes after school. A messy house usually makes me edgy, but this was past that. Saturday morning was set aside for cleaning, and we got about 75% done by noon.

I called in sick to the humane society. I was scheduled from 2-5 in surrender, but I was feeling nauseous and had tummy cramps. It was probably me just not wanting to go, and I would have been fine once I showed up, but I also wanted to take a nap. When I called, they said they hadn’t been busy, and it wasn’t a big deal if I decided not to come, so that was the deciding factor.

Saturday in general hasn’t been decided yet, there is still daylight left, and I am leaving soon to go out to dinner with family for my sister’s birthday. Details to come.

Wednesday was a day

I was hoping for a day of relaxing at home, not needing to leave for anything. Late Monday night, I got a call from MIL saying she would like to come over to visit while FIL is golfing with friends. The house cleaner was also scheduled to come over, after numerous rearrangements since last Thursday night. The MOMS Club monthly meeting was moved to Wednesdays, which I didn’t know about until that morning. I then had a doctor appointment to check on something, but at least MIL would be there to pick up the kids and let me go all alone.

It was a busy day, and I just didn’t get much down time. I did sneak in a 30 min nap between the meeting and doctor appointment, but that little bit of time, it doesn’t really help any.

Anxiety was still high, but I got a call-back from my psychiatrist confirming the amount of perphenazine I can take. I hit the supposed max on Tuesday of six pills, but hopefully I will not get that bad again. This is a bit of relief, not that the anti-anxiety med is super effective, but it is a psychological thing as well; most of the time it settles me down to a nice slightly elevated state.

Tuesday was a    day

This day just couldn’t end soon enough. The anxiety was high all day, and I just couldn’t get it into check. It felt impossible to care for Monster, and then it doubled when Daughter got home. I had a hard time just sitting still, so badly that I didn’t cling to the computer. I kept calling husband, even though I told myself yesterday that I wouldn’t. I forced myself to sit on the floor with Daughter and Monster and draw with crayons, and then the hallucinations started. I had quite a few, and of the same thing. I kept seeing people walk past my window, out of the corner of my eye, and it felt real. While trying to take a nap that afternoon, I heard someone climbing the stairs and banging around a bit. Husband told me before that the cat can be really loud on the stairs, so it may have been that.

I took probably a total of six Perphenazines throughout the day, but it didn’t help much. When Husband got home, he gave me some quiet peace. I went upstairs to my room with the laptop and just stayed there most of the night. I am just now starting to get into LOLCats and discovered the celebrity ones too. Sitting on my own really helped, but the anxiety didn’t completely go away.

Earlier in the day a medical issue came up for me, which may or may not be something serious. I’m sure this had to do with the elevated anxiety, and this stress alone could cause the hallucinations.  

I am still feeling a bit ill with my cough, but it was a lot better. There were only a few coughing fits, and I was able to lay down for a little while without feeling like my lungs were ready to burst.

Monday was a    day

I don’t know how many Perphenazines I took yesterday, but it was at least six. Anxiety was everywhere, and I started getting depressed because I was so anxious. I know that doesn’t sound like I am making any sense, but my feelings are always hard to define and change quickly.

The first attack was about 9:30am, such a way to start the day! I called Husband, as usual, but did not get the results I wanted. He kept on the usual words and suggestions that he tries to give me every time I call, but I didn’t want to hear it. I was feeling so badly, I wanted him to come home, but I didn’t tell him that. I did tell him that I was not going to do the things he suggested, and wanted to get off the phone so he wouldn’t keep repeating himself.

I have sort of made a decision to not call Husband when panicking, and will try to deal myself. I really don’t have anyone else to talk to about this, besides my therapist, but that is only once a week for about 45 minutes. I don’t want to call the crisis line, because of a bad experience I had with the one in Houston. Basically, when I called, they asked if I was suicidal, and had a plan to do something. If I didn’t, that was it, no counseling, no nothing was offered. I don’t even know if there were any other services with the crisis line. When I think of a crisis line, I think of having a long chat with someone about what is going on to help vent, not just assess the likelihood of suicide and send them on their way. I was told that I would receive a phone call the next day to check in with me, but I never got it. When some sort of supervisor called three days later (to my surprise), she was surprised that I hadn’t been contacted, and went to take up this issue with the person I talked to one the phone.

Without a friendly ear, I don’t know what to do. I can talk to Husband, but he often says he just doesn’t understand my feelings or how someone could even feel that way. He tells me I am over-reacting, thinking too black and white, and not being proactive enough. Often he says I need to take hold and fight it, even when I am in a panic attack and can barely think straight enough to have the conversation in the first place.

My bronchitis still has a hold on me, when I lay down, even in a 45 degree angle, my cough is so bad I can barely take two breaths without gagging. It almost seems to be getting worse each night, so I tried to sleep sitting propped up on the couch. I was so tired at 8:30; I took my evening meds along with cough syrup and NyQuil. This knocked me out by 9:30, and I hoped for a good night.