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Tuesday was a    day

Things are still looking good, I only ran into about two antsy/anxious episodes. One came about 4:00pm, when both kids were home and in full-energy mode. I was just sitting waiting for Husband to get home so I would get a somewhat quiet relief and hide out upstairs.

Husband woke up feeling ill, and had been up since about 3am. He also had a dentist appointment at 1:15, so he took the whole day off. This fact did nothing to help me with Monster as he slept until about noon. I wasn’t going to wake him, not after such a bad night, but my day didn’t come to overwhelming stress that would lead me into a panic attack either. Of course Monster was loud, and now that he can not be contained in a safe area like his fenced pen, so it is taking even more energy out of me throughout the day. He is into everything, and seems to know what items are his toys and things that are ok to play with, and ignores them to get to other thing more exciting.

However, the in-laws gave Monster a new toy; it is a larger, plastic jeep from Jurassic Park. He has been playing with that a lot. The only thing is that the side door slides out so that passenger could use a mounted gun, and it comes all the way off, I think it is broken, but that doesn’t stop Monster. Every so often, he would bring me the chair, and I would have to ask for the jeep, put it back together, and send him on his way. Literally, I did this about 20 times throughout the day. It kept him busy, but the constant interruption got annoying.

The second episode came when Husband tried to force me to go to the “Y” to do my daily exercise, at 7:30pm! His job is to make me mad at him, and have me give in and just go. I finally agreed, but dreaded every step getting ready. By the time my shoes were on, and I was trying to find the clip for my iPod, I was putting myself into anxiety mode. I ended up not going, but did a little weight lifting with Husband. I think that because of the gray, rainy day, I was having issues with going anywhere at all.

My seasonal depression is starting to kick in, meaning less energy and lower moods. I have started using my light box, even through this Indian Summer we are having. I have faith the light box will help, I only wish the seasonal stuff had been diagnosed earlier. Now that I am thinking about it, while in Houston, I was in the hospital yearly sometime around November/December. It was hard to see since the weather is mostly nice year round. I got my light box last year, mid-season, and within a week of using it regularly, I started feeling better.

Monday was a     day
I started out the day doubting myself, and hoping I wouldn’t have one of my more serious anxiety attacks. I am almost surprised that something big didn’t happen. I had plans to take the kids with me to the “Y” so I could swim some laps, but Monster was extra crabby, and screechy, and just didn’t seem himself. I changed my plan to go after Husband got home, around 6:00, but uh-oh, last minute dinner with the in-laws. I swear that if they do bother to plan things in advance, they don’t tell us about it, or it is so crazy weird trying to accommodate every little thing, it is better to just get out of the way and hope you don’t get roped in too.

We went to Old Piper Inn, as usual, and spent a good long time there with the in-laws and SIL and BIL. Afterwards, all but BIL came over, FIL and Husband watched the season premier of Heroes, and MIL and SIL played with the kids and got them ready for bed. I on the other hand, went to escape the inevitable crazy, loud, chaotic back and forth. I took my laptop and went into my bedroom, closed the door and played some games. I was able to hide out the entire night, and was disturbed only to say goodnight to Daughter.

I went to bed feeling not too stressed, and not even thinking about Tuesday, and how difficult it may be. I am definitely doing better than the last three weeks, and it feels like things are on the up.

Sunday was a     day
It started out being a lazy Sunday, no plans, just sit around the house computer and not worry about getting anything done. My mom called and asked if it was all right if she could come over, and of course, it was. We had some quick tidying to do, but it didn’t take long. We just hung out for a while, until we started thinking about Halloween costumes for the kids. Off we went to the fabric store, and then Joanne’s. Most of the supplies have now been purchased, and it is up to me to make the unicorn’s tail, mane and horn.

The biggest development of the day is that Monster can climb out of his downstairs pen. He no longer needs anything to stand on, he just sticks his little toes in the spaces and climbs right over. To avoid him getting hurt, the pen is now removed from the room, and he will now forever be left to roam free around the living and dining rooms. I knew this day was coming, just not so soon. He is still too little to stay out of trouble, and I am now required to keep constant watch on him.

Both kids have been especially whiney, and it is wearing on me. After getting home from shopping, Monster soon went down for a late nap, but woke up in a bad mood. Daughter was just being herself, loud, bouncy and emotional; it has to be the age. Husband got her a large activity book based on the alphabet. This thing must have more than 100 pages, and she wanted to finish the entire thing in one day. She worked very hard, and almost succeeded. It’s too bad she has used up all of the learning pages, and is now left to coloring a pic of an item starting with each letter, one per page.

Instead of going to the YMCA, I took a long bike ride around this area. We have some trails, and straight-lined blocks, not those windy ones most developments have, and so I zigzagged back and forth each of the blocks and long stretches of the nature trails, all the while biking up and down the little hills and rises that seems to vary block to block. It was a hard thirty minutes, and came home wobbly and tired.

I was anxious all the time I was home, and depressed in the late afternoon and evening. I didn’t have the usual Sunday Night Syndrome, probably because it didn’t feel like a Sunday, and I wasn’t really thinking about the next day. There seems to be no limit to or cure for my anxiety, I can only pop pills so much.

These were found on Neurotic By Nature

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" 

Saturday was a     day

Overall, Saturday was a pretty good day, especially comparing it to Friday. I only had to leave the house to go work out, and then to dinner, and that was nice.

Of course, they chose Red Lobster (sister #2 is big into seafood) over near where sister #1 and mom live. It was almost an hour drive for me, and it really sucked coming back. By that time, I had a full belly and wanted to just relax and let Husband drive home. The problem with that is Husband wasn’t there. I tried using my new sunglasses with the yellowish tint, and I have mixed feelings about them. They definitely block out all that extra glare from headlights, but it makes everything else slightly darker. I don’t know what I prefer, but starting to lean towards wearing them.

When I got home with the kids, I stripped down right away and got into jammies, washed the make-up off my face, and lay down in bed. Daughter had been acting funny all the way home talking about being scared of the dark and needing someone next to her in bed to make her feel better. It just went on and on, and seems like it may become an issue we will have to deal with firmly, soon. When I got into bed, the girl crawled in with me and we snuggled for a little while, and it was nice, she got what she needed, and I got a good feeling and was cozy. Daughter admitted that she tries to climb into our bed most nights when she wakes and uses afraid of the dark excuse. I don’t believe for a second the reason she comes to see us is a fear of the dark, she has a full sized lamp that sits right next to her head, and it is on all night, every night.

I can say generally, the anxiety was tolerable, and depression slipped in for a little while. I was at the usual elevation level of ups and downs, none too severe, but not able to ignore the fact that there were issues.

It is now Saturday afternoon, and yeah, I know I missed Thursday, and, as usual, now that is it two days later, I can’t remember much of what went on. Thursday, Husband stayed home to telecommute, and Friday I had a complete melt-down/ anxiety attack/ worst incidence in months.

I have been having issues with anxiety every day for at least the last week or two, and at least now, comparing myself to Friday, I’m not doing too badly. Thursday I didn’t do that well either, and Husband ended up not being able to work much after lunch.

My “melt-down” was a pretty severe incidence. I was on the phone with Husband, sobbing and yelling and feeling out of control, while he was trying to reason with me. All I could do was get mad at him for not talking to me in the right way, never mind that even I didn’t know what the right way would have been. By the end of the phone call, Jason was arguing and trying to tell me that he was coming home, I was yelling that I did not want him to come home, and I could deal myself. Eventually I got to a point where I told him I wanted him to come home, but it was only giving into a sort of threat. We argued that I was unable to care for Monster, and I couldn’t just pull it together and do my mommy duties. If I did anything undesirable, Husband said he would not be able to trust me with him again, and he would go to full-time daycare.

This situation got even worse than probably as bad as I have gotten in two years when I was admitted to the hospital October 2006. The anger I was feeling moved into physical actions, I kicked the table, almost threw a picture frame onto the floor, and ended up sitting against a wall, banging the back of my head on it. I actually hurt myself, and head is still tender.

I had my therapist appointment that afternoon, and of course, wanted to cancel, I just wanted to be alone. Instead, I brought Husband and Monster along for support. It was a pretty productive session, and felt at least a little bit of hope, and an idea for a new tool to use while in these anxiety states.

The house is a complete disaster, you can’t find an open spot on the counter in the kitchen, toys are spread out all over the downstairs, the dining room table is covered with both laptops, mail, and has become a drop-off spot for anything and everything. I also hadn’t swept in two days, so there was a build up of crumbs and sand from Daughter’s shoes after school. A messy house usually makes me edgy, but this was past that. Saturday morning was set aside for cleaning, and we got about 75% done by noon.

I called in sick to the humane society. I was scheduled from 2-5 in surrender, but I was feeling nauseous and had tummy cramps. It was probably me just not wanting to go, and I would have been fine once I showed up, but I also wanted to take a nap. When I called, they said they hadn’t been busy, and it wasn’t a big deal if I decided not to come, so that was the deciding factor.

Saturday in general hasn’t been decided yet, there is still daylight left, and I am leaving soon to go out to dinner with family for my sister’s birthday. Details to come.

Wednesday was a day

I was hoping for a day of relaxing at home, not needing to leave for anything. Late Monday night, I got a call from MIL saying she would like to come over to visit while FIL is golfing with friends. The house cleaner was also scheduled to come over, after numerous rearrangements since last Thursday night. The MOMS Club monthly meeting was moved to Wednesdays, which I didn’t know about until that morning. I then had a doctor appointment to check on something, but at least MIL would be there to pick up the kids and let me go all alone.

It was a busy day, and I just didn’t get much down time. I did sneak in a 30 min nap between the meeting and doctor appointment, but that little bit of time, it doesn’t really help any.

Anxiety was still high, but I got a call-back from my psychiatrist confirming the amount of perphenazine I can take. I hit the supposed max on Tuesday of six pills, but hopefully I will not get that bad again. This is a bit of relief, not that the anti-anxiety med is super effective, but it is a psychological thing as well; most of the time it settles me down to a nice slightly elevated state.

Tuesday was a    day

This day just couldn’t end soon enough. The anxiety was high all day, and I just couldn’t get it into check. It felt impossible to care for Monster, and then it doubled when Daughter got home. I had a hard time just sitting still, so badly that I didn’t cling to the computer. I kept calling husband, even though I told myself yesterday that I wouldn’t. I forced myself to sit on the floor with Daughter and Monster and draw with crayons, and then the hallucinations started. I had quite a few, and of the same thing. I kept seeing people walk past my window, out of the corner of my eye, and it felt real. While trying to take a nap that afternoon, I heard someone climbing the stairs and banging around a bit. Husband told me before that the cat can be really loud on the stairs, so it may have been that.

I took probably a total of six Perphenazines throughout the day, but it didn’t help much. When Husband got home, he gave me some quiet peace. I went upstairs to my room with the laptop and just stayed there most of the night. I am just now starting to get into LOLCats and discovered the celebrity ones too. Sitting on my own really helped, but the anxiety didn’t completely go away.

Earlier in the day a medical issue came up for me, which may or may not be something serious. I’m sure this had to do with the elevated anxiety, and this stress alone could cause the hallucinations.  

I am still feeling a bit ill with my cough, but it was a lot better. There were only a few coughing fits, and I was able to lay down for a little while without feeling like my lungs were ready to burst.

Monday was a    day

I don’t know how many Perphenazines I took yesterday, but it was at least six. Anxiety was everywhere, and I started getting depressed because I was so anxious. I know that doesn’t sound like I am making any sense, but my feelings are always hard to define and change quickly.

The first attack was about 9:30am, such a way to start the day! I called Husband, as usual, but did not get the results I wanted. He kept on the usual words and suggestions that he tries to give me every time I call, but I didn’t want to hear it. I was feeling so badly, I wanted him to come home, but I didn’t tell him that. I did tell him that I was not going to do the things he suggested, and wanted to get off the phone so he wouldn’t keep repeating himself.

I have sort of made a decision to not call Husband when panicking, and will try to deal myself. I really don’t have anyone else to talk to about this, besides my therapist, but that is only once a week for about 45 minutes. I don’t want to call the crisis line, because of a bad experience I had with the one in Houston. Basically, when I called, they asked if I was suicidal, and had a plan to do something. If I didn’t, that was it, no counseling, no nothing was offered. I don’t even know if there were any other services with the crisis line. When I think of a crisis line, I think of having a long chat with someone about what is going on to help vent, not just assess the likelihood of suicide and send them on their way. I was told that I would receive a phone call the next day to check in with me, but I never got it. When some sort of supervisor called three days later (to my surprise), she was surprised that I hadn’t been contacted, and went to take up this issue with the person I talked to one the phone.

Without a friendly ear, I don’t know what to do. I can talk to Husband, but he often says he just doesn’t understand my feelings or how someone could even feel that way. He tells me I am over-reacting, thinking too black and white, and not being proactive enough. Often he says I need to take hold and fight it, even when I am in a panic attack and can barely think straight enough to have the conversation in the first place.

My bronchitis still has a hold on me, when I lay down, even in a 45 degree angle, my cough is so bad I can barely take two breaths without gagging. It almost seems to be getting worse each night, so I tried to sleep sitting propped up on the couch. I was so tired at 8:30; I took my evening meds along with cough syrup and NyQuil. This knocked me out by 9:30, and I hoped for a good night.

Sunday was a    day

Still not feeling 100%, but also felt antsy. The entire family went over to Mall of America for a bit of walking and window shopping. We spent at least two hours there and only came home with a book and a magazine from B&N, and ate two soft pretzels between the four of us. Pretty good considering our usual consumption.

Getting out of the house was good, but that feeling crashed as soon as we returned home. The cleaner was supposed to be coming Monday morning, meaning we had dishes to do and a bit of tidying toys and tables and whatnot. This put some stress on me because I knew about 80% was going to be done by me, leaving just the dishes to Husband. It wasn’t positive that the cleaner would be coming Monday morning, so I left a lot of the cleaning undone, but felt bad about it, and new it would be a scramble in the morning.

Husband and I caught up on some TV and vegged out all evening, and it felt good. Sunday was one of the gray, rainy days that no one wants to do anything, no matter what your situation.