Angel's blog

Thursday was a      day
Things started going OK. Just OK, no more. The cleaners had planned to come out, and I had planned to go out for the evening with a friend. Somewhere in there I needed to work out, but it just didn't happen. Before the cleaners even left, Monster was asleep, and I needed to join him. By the time I got into bed and actually fell asleep, I may have gotten 20 minutes. Daughter got home from school, and that was that. I guess from the beginning I should have known I wouldn't make it to the gym.

I didn't know what time I was going to be leaving to meet Carol, she was going to call me when her errands were done or in progress or something, but she never did. I gave up thinking I would go out at all. I guess she forgot my phone number at home, but still called in time to make it to the movie. The Burnsville Center was having one of their Ladies Nights, from 3-9, and I wanted to go. Carol made it for a little bit, and I would have joined her had she called. Oh well. We then had the opportunity to get a free, sneak preview of the movie “Sex Drive” which doesn't open until next week.

The movie was hilarious, in a crude way. I think I would go to see it again, but I don't think Husband would agree to see it, it's not something he would enjoy (I think). Perhaps I will write a review of the movie if I have the overwhelming urge to write.

Anyways, the boy was frustrating being loud and climbing and trying to escape the new setup. He was clingy, and needed to be held. When Daughter came home, it just got worse. I had to put some warm clothes on them and let them run around crazy on the front lawn. This settled them down a bit, but I was heading for an anxiety attack. While outside, my package from Origins showed up with a magic potion that was to help calm me. It is part of their sensory therapy line; it is a lotion you put on your pulse points (back of the neck, ear lobes and temples). The scent is soothing and better than the cartridge I have with a similar smell. With the lotion on my face, I can continue to smell it for quite a while, instead of a quick sniff of the cartridge, and then put it away. This thing really worked great.

When I got home, Monster was asleep, and Daughter on her way. I don't know why Husband let her stay up so late, probably because he was working on his stoopid computer instead of watching the clock. He was the one to put her in bed and read, so I really didn't care much except for the fact that I am the one that has to wake her up in the morning. She is hard enough to wake up, I don't need an even tougher job. By then, my anxiety was gone, the funny movie and being away from home, on my own, did wonders.

Wednesday was a     day
I don't feel like blogging today, and actually, I'm not sure even why I am blogging to say that I am not going to blog.

It's just been more of the same, anxiety, take a pill, anxiety, take another pill. I went to the gym about 4:30, rode the bike for an hour, did my weight machine circuit and some free weights and went home. I hate going, but once I am there I get into the zone and wonder why I don't get going easier. Part of the reason is the child care, I am not comfortable leaving Monster there as much as before, and if I want to do my full workout, along with a soak in the hot tub and shower, it is longer than two hours, and that is the limit for child care there. However, I don't really think they would notice if it were 15 or 30 minutes late, besides what would they do, put the kid out in the hallway to wait for me???

I hate that the days are shorter, the dark bothers me, and all this trouble lately must be directly related to the whole seasonal depression thing. When I got home from the gym, I found myself completely drained physically and emotionally. I was in bed about 9:30 and definitely asleep before 10:00.

I have found a site, Audiko that will convert an audio file into a ringtone.

The first step is to upload the file. Then, it is up to you to choose the portion of the file to be used as the ringtone using a simple tool.

The last step is to select the output file type, either as a mp3, for your iPhone (m4r) or AMR-nb. As I downloaded my file as a m4r, the file was added immedietly to my iTunes to the proper folder, all ready to go. 

Tuesday was a      day
I don't think Tuesday could have been any worse. I started off the day with severe anxiety, antsy feelings, disconnected from what I was doing and anger towards the noise and chaos the baby was making. I tried to chat with Husband, but he didn't respond well, which threw me into a huge fit and I refused to talk to him about any of my feelings or respond to his questions about whether or not I was safe from hurting myself or the baby. I would just repeat “I don't want to talk about it” and told Husband “I'm fine, I want to be left alone” and “I just need to rest”. I ignored his phone calls, and eventually logged out of chat effectively cutting off all communication with him. Husband came home from work.

Husband says I was being mean and inconsiderate towards him, but I just didn't see how this affected him so deeply while all that was going on. I tried to nap all afternoon, but I just couldn't relax. My brain was on overdrive and I put in a call to my doctor. I am now taking Perphenazine three times ago, at the maximum dose possible, and reducing my Lexapro (anti-depressant) back down to where it was two or so weeks ago. It almost feels like I am back in the manic world, but in weird ways, some of the typical signs are there, but there are also more things contributing to this.

After a small dinner and procrastinating, I made it to the “Y” for a workout. I ended up just walking 3 miles, and watching the Presidential debate made the time fly by. I could have gone for more, but I wanted to get home. I didn't get to the gym until about 7:45, meaning that with the hour of walking, I didn't get out of there until about 9:30pm. I also had to stop at the store to buy some brunch items since I am having people over Wednesday morning for the new playgroup we have just started. There are five moms and their little ones including to me, and up to three of them may be showing up, but I forgot to send out an email earlier to confirm, so no idea if anyone will show up at all.

I have decided that going so late in the evening is not a good idea. I didn't get into bed until about 11:30, which is when I have hopefully been asleep for ½ hour. With me unable to unwind, I'm sure that I didn't fall asleep until well after 12:15. Husband and I had a talk about how my behavior is affecting the family and how he was very upset by my actions that morning. We apologized to each other, but there are lots of little things that need to be worked on.

Monday was a      day
The day started with a horribly active and loud baby. The whole morning he would not let me be, On top of that, he was on top of everything that would make him more than 3 inches higher. It was a challenge to say the least. I thought I was being clever, and gave him a medium sized cardboard box to play with. Usually, something like this would keep him occupied for quite a while. Instead, he played inside it for about five minutes, pushed it across the room twice and then left it be. He did not want to play with his toys, and was grabbing just about anything that wasn't glued down and would fit in his little hand. I could go on and on about all the things he did, but that would probably make me frustrated again.

Finally, it was nap time, he really wasn't showing signs of being tired other than screeching and throwing mini fits, but that was how he had been acting all morning up until then. By this time I was all worked up and not feeling like I could settle down to sleep myself, but I tried anyways. I forgot to set an alarm again, and the girl was waiting outside the door for about five minutes. Luckily Monster had woken up and he had woken me; the doorbell just doesn't do the trick.

After Daughter got home, and Monster was awake, I went back into depressed, anxious and angry mode. I needed to get out of the house before something happened. Husband suggested to go to the “Y”, as usual, but I was in such a state I didn't think that I would be able to settle enough to do anything. Instead, I called my mom, who was already on her way home from work. I decided to take the kids and go see her. The car ride was mostly calm, except for Daughter's usual habit of singing and talking nonsense. Thank goodness for grandmas. We were invited to stay for dinner, which consisted of homemade turkey noodle soup and homemade bread, which were absolutely yummy as usual.

Husband took the kids home and I stayed a bit for the chance to be away from the kids for a little while. The  plan was for me to go home, change clothes and head to the “Y” to relax (which to me, sounds impossible, how can one exercise and get pepped up and sweaty while you mind clears and settles?). All the way home, my thoughts were back into the depressed, anxious mode, but this time I was also having thoughts about hurting myself. I was feeling so disconnected and out of place I didn't know what was going on. On the way home I kept trying to think of somewhere I could go instead of home, even though it would be a short stop. I had decided against the “Y” because of my mental state. I couldn't think of a thing to do, so I just drove home. When I got there, I couldn't get myself to get out of the car. I sat there for over half an hour stewing and being depressed and talking negatively to myself. Eventually, I called Husband and asked him to come outside and make me get out of the car.

We had a long talk about how I was feeling and then plans on how to stay sane while home alone with Monster. I almost became optimistic about the next day, the plan involved things I would almost never do, but at least now I know of an option to help things go better.

Saturday and Sunday were      days

I have a very good reason for not posting on Sunday. When I got home Saturday night, I found that my laptop was not working; all I had was a blank screen. When I tried to reboot it, I didn't get a response, just a gray screen staring at me. Husband looked at it, and we decided the most likely answer is a failed hard drive. We let the computer sit over night, and when morning came, the computer looked like nothing had happened. The official diagnosis is overheating. My laptop sits at the dining room table, on top of the tablecloth, and Husband says that sometimes when he comes downstairs in the middle of the night he can hear the fan whirling away. 

I immediately started backing up everything important, like I should have been doing over the last six months since my last backup. I get these wake-up calls every so often, and panic about the things I would be loosing. Fortunately, the one time that I had a crash and no backup, we were able to call in a favor to a friend that does data recovery. I got back almost everything thank goodness.

I was no help to Husband on Saturday in regards to taking care of the kids. I took a nap before heading to the humane society, then went to the “Y” right afterward. I spent a very long time there. I walked three miles then did my circuit on the weight machines. I didn't get home until after 8:00! Husband told me that I would have to make it up to him, and give him some precious quiet time so he could work for a bit and relax the next day.

This plan of taking over was ruined because of my computer issues. I spent the entire day backing up, reinstalling my OS and then installing all the updates (which took FOREVER). However, I was very productive in the cleaning aspect. I took over the living room, picked up toys, swept (even under the couch, finding long lost toys) and mopped. I also mopped the dining room and kitchen. The only thing I didn't get done downstairs was the dining room table where my computer junk and various items that should be in an inbox should be. It is a never-ending battle keeping the table clean. Also, Husband started to clean the kitchen, and got dishes down, but everything else was needing to be done like scrubbing counters.

By the end of the day, I realized that I didn't make it to the “Y”, and it was too dark to go for a bike ride. I will try to make up for this a bit on Monday. Also, at the end of the day, I was feeling weird and depressed. Husband and I watched last week's episode of Heroes during dinner, and I took my meds early, so I would be tired earlier and hopefully get some extra sleep. This never works though, I lay in bed reading for a bit until my eyes couldn't stay open any longer, and I was unable to comprehend what I was reading, repeating paragraphs two to three times. I probably fell asleep at 10:30.

Friday was a      day
It was a busy, busy day. I decided to go to the MOMS Club outing to Caribou Coffee, but also had grocery shopping to finish by 12:00 to make it to my therapist at 1:00. After that appointment, I had to get home to meet Daughter after school. I slept for ½ hour until it was then time to go see my GP about the ear pain I am having. Turns out I have an outer ear canal infection. I have drops three times a day and need to take Sudafed regularly for a week or so when this should be resolved. I am happy that it wasn’t anything more serious like a popped ear drum. I also have fluid behind my ear drum.

Needless to say, I didn’t make it to the “Y”, and I also didn’t take a bike ride around the neighborhood. After my doctor appointment I got my prescription and picked up Chinese food next door to bring home for Husband and me. Daughter spent the night over at SIL’s house while BIL is out of town, so it was a quieter night than usual.

I don’t know if maybe the Sudafed gave me the anxiety attack, or just watching tv. There is some sort of pattern with the catching up on tv nights where I am unable to watch a show without issues. I thought it was the stress level of the show, I especially had problems with Prison Break, and Lost is getting to that point too. I don’t seem to have as much problem watching my sit-coms, if I am ever in the mood to do so (which is rarely).

I escaped upstairs, sobbing, and lay in bed until I calmed down a bit. Husband brought me my laptop, and I laid in bed surfing, playing a game and then played with my iPhone until about 11:00. After the monster was in bed, Husband joined me, he too got out his iPhone and showed me some things, and the apps he bought. He then read for a little while I went to sleep.

Thursday was a     day
It was a difficult day, even with just Monster running around. Mid-morning I became very annoyed with him. Monster was not listening, climbing up on top of things, grabbing things he shouldn’t have, and was noisy in general. I was feeling spacey and disconnected while being angry at the boy. He was tired, even though he slept in a little; according to Husband, he had a bad night. Anyways, I put him down for a nap about 11:30 and I fell asleep about 12:30.

The next thing I know, my phone rings, it was Husband checking on me. I realized right then that Daughter should have been home by then, and I raced downstairs to the door. I was afraid of what I would find, but it turns out that the girl that walks Daughter home just sat there with her patiently, waiting for someone to answer the door. Thank Goodness!! I am going to get her a gift card today (Friday) to reward her for walking Daughter home each day, and the little incident on Thursday.

I didn’t make it to the “Y”, with the nap starting as early as it did. Once Daughter gets home, it is pretty much out the window; I can never get motivated in the evening and feel I have the extra time to make it to the gym. Besides, I think I hurt my knee on Wednesday when I worked with the personal trainer for setting up my fitlinxx. Wednesday afternoon and night my left knee hurt whenever I  put any weight on it, and since I had worked out the four days before this, I figured it was a good day to rest. I supposed I could have taken a bike ride around the neighborhood, but it never popped into my head.

I then watched the Vice Presidential debate, and have decided firmly that I will follow McCain/Palin. The talk on Twitter and Plurk was about 90% about the debate and everyone with an opinion had something negative to say about Palin. It was if they had their mind set before it started, and because of their choice, there was nothing wrong with Biden’s responses, his gestures and policies in general. I read people criticizing her flag pin on her lapel, her voice pitch/tone, they said she rolled her eyes more than once, and other things that didn’t really matter when it came down to the basic stances. I don’t think I heard anything bad about her ideas. The internet is filled with democrats, ones that are firm on their stances, and will destroy anything that doesn’t agree with them. I did not see one single thing talking bad about Biden.

I felt depressed most of the day. The whole Monster ordeal in the morning was accompanied by Daughter literally screaming, singing, dancing, hopping on the furniture, howling at the moon (Monster) and other loud and/or naughty things. She wouldn’t listen, and I was grateful when Husband got home so I could get some relief. I keep having these feelings that I am wasting my life away by staying home with the kids, and not being a productive part of society, or at least accomplishing something worthwhile at home. I am not ready to join the workforce, and fortunately, I collect disability to help out with the missed income. I don’t know what will need to happen before I am comfortable with that step, but the first steps are to complete my studying of ColdFusion and design elements.

Wednesday was a      day
It was a crazy, busy day; I was running all over town with the Monster while the girl was at school and Husband worked from home. The day started with a playdate at a friend’s house, off to the “Y” and then four different places to stop, and lunch mixed in there somewhere.

I met with a personal trainer and set up the fitlinxx program. I now have a set circuit, all the settings have been determined, and now all I have to do it punch in my 5-digit number and it will tell me all I need to do to complete the set, and keep track of it all. It’s a pretty cool system; it will even track your cardio. I can even log in from home and punch in my walking/biking/whatever I do at home. Each activity earns you points, and the “Y” rewards people for their efforts with prizes at certain levels. It makes you really feel like you are accomplishing something, besides the physical tiredness and aches of course. In the mini workout I did, testing the weights to get them set right, I lifted 1390 lbs! That was from about three reps of each machine! Wow! I set my goals of cardio 4xs a week, and weights 3xs a week, and when the trainer reviews the numbers each week, they can tell who isn’t making it.

After all this running, I crashed hard and slept until almost 4:00. I even slept longer than Monster!

The Twin Cities ColdFusion User Group met Wednesday night, and this was my first meeting. I really don’t feel like I am a “user” but Husband encouraged me to go. He was making one of the presentations, about security in your applications. I was able to follow the topic, and understood just about all he was saying, the problem is that I have absolutely no idea of how to implement these things, or even create something that would need to consider these things.

I have discovered the website: http://www.convertico.com/ where you can upload an image, or point to one somewhere on the interwebs, and it will resize and convert the image to a .ico

It's quick and easy, much easier than the manual method I used.